winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary

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201-300 List 2006

201. I wear panties more than I used to.
202. Not sure why that changed.
203. I�m capable of so much more.
204. People say that I�m a bad driver.
205. I think that I�m a cautious driver.
206. I don�t speed.
207. I don�t drive recklessly.
208. I am always aware of my surroundings.
209. I think that my nervousness, while driving, makes my passengers nervous.
210. I dreamed of Betty and Joseph again last night

211. Some of the movies that I�ve watched more than twice in the last six months: Airplane, Pump up the Volume, Notting Hill and Dogma.
212. Movies that I�ve watched repeatedly with my children: Whale Rider, The War and Harry Potter (Goblet of Fire).
213. I realized, only recently, how much better the first (Harry Potter)movie was when compared to the rest of the series.
214. I love playing poker.
215. My best game is Texas hold�Em.
216. I do okay at Omaha.
217. I dislike hi/low games.
218. I hate playing cash games.
219. I�m on day three of this list.
220. At least one person has asked me to stop talking to: Shannon, Christian, The Kid and The Farmer.
221. I have only stopped talking to one of them.
222. My ability to support Shannon and this new phase of his life amazes me sometimes.
223. I would like to say that I never feel jealous of his girl but I do.
224. I feel the same sense of pride in his becoming a father that I did when I heard that Charles was expecting.
225. I am not sure I understand that correlation.
226. I am happy for them, both.
227. I worry for Charles.
228. I know he doesn�t need my concern.
229. I express my concern by avoiding the topic all together.
230. I never write the words �all together� without thinking of Christian.
231. I know more about sports than any girl I know.
232. I know more about Poker than any girl I know.
233. All of my fantasies (used for self stimulation purposes) have another girl involved in some way or another.
234. I am more in tune with my sexuality than I have ever been.
235. I am less inclined to share my wants and needs with the wider public than I used to be.
236. I just took a four day weekend for no reason other than �I could.�
237. I spent the weekend designing a three story doll house that I am building for Jordan�s birthday.
238. This summer, Justin and I have plans to build a half-pipe skate ramp as a summer project.
239. Woodwork and carpentry are the two activities that relax me the most.
240. I prefer to buy tools over clothes and shoes.
241. I need a new pair of sandals.
242. I wish I were outside riding my bike right now.
243. Lately, I have felt and overwhelming sense of desperation in so many areas of my life.
244. Despite that, I have hope.
245. My ability to have hope in the face of desperation amazes me.
246. I have always hated lying to my kids about the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
247. I make a horrible Tooth Fairy.
248. Including last night, I have forgotten my role three times.
249. This morning, I gave up and offered to buy the teeth from Justin.
250. It amazes me that he has such strong faith. (He declined the offered and felt sure that the Tooth Fairy would come tonight.)
251. Twice while reaching for the conditioner, I picked up the shampoo bottle, instead.
252. Instead of:
a. Rinsing the dollop of $3.50 a bottle shampoo down the drain or
b. Attempting to funnel the substance back into the bottle�s tiny opening
I just ended up washing my hair three times.
253. I have this really odd pain in my right arm.
254. I have a horrible sense of direction.
255. I chased my breakfast oatmeal with a handful of various flavored jelly belly jelly beans this morning.
256. I had a bad sugar reaction twice yesterday.
257. Raymond exhausts me, emotionally.
258. I am often frustrated by the fact that he doesn�t understand the things I say to him.
259. His passive-aggressive guilt trips cause more fights between us than any other thing.
260. I understand and try to accept the fact that he doesn�t understand how manipulative he is.
261. Among my many other duties at work, I am most amused by the fact that I am, both, the Gate Keeper and the Key Master.
262. I am accused of being overly �chipper� at least once a day.
263. I don�t feel well, today.
264. I just took a No-doz to keep myself awake.
265. I wish I could drink coffee.
266. I HATE the taste of coffee.
267. I want to go to sleep
268. I wish the sun would come out.
269. I need some wild, crazy sex.
270. I�m so distracted this morning.
271. I need to have my eyes checked.
272. I�m having a bad hair day.
273. I am hosting Shannon�s Diaper Party.
274. The Tooth Fairy Forgot to come again last night.
275. I rushed Justin around this morning in an effort to distract him and while he was sitting in the car, waiting for me to take him to school, I slipped a tenner under his pillow.
276. This is substantially more than the Tooth Fairy usually leaves but I figured, what with interest and all�.?
277. I am sorry that I was never able to help Christian understand that he was the only time I ever liked loving someone.
278. I sometimes wonder when we stopped understanding each other so completely.
279. People think that I am blind to Shannon�s short-comings.
280. I�m not.
281. Loving him was the hardest thing I ever did.
282. I still consider Shannon my best friend.
283. I think that Charles and Andy are the only two people who seem to be able to handle (and accept) the bare bones truth about me because in the end, they don't need me to be anything more to them than what I already am.
284. I�m the most honest with them. (Even when Charles thinks I�m lying to myself- which, lets face it, could be true.)
285. I am seeing bright colored spots on my computer screen right now.
286. That concerns me.
287. (Continued two days later) Shortly after making those last two statements I found myself lying in a slump on my desk with our (very scared) maintenance man calling my name and telling my steadily approaching boss that I wasn�t responding and that I was �shaking really bad�. Also interesting to note: I could not lift my arms or head.
288. That is the lowest my sugar has ever dropped.
289. And the fastest.
290. I can no longer, nonchalantly, assure people:
a. I have it under control.
b. I�m not worried about it.
c. I�ve never passed out because of my sugar level.
291. That is also the most scared I have ever been.
292. I am in the midst of writing the best story I have ever written and it�s draining.
293. The details keep me awake at night.
294. I have a few things left to do before I go.
295. After taking a practice test, I found out that I type 58wpm. I actually think that I type faster than that. (But, then, who doesn't?)
296. Sometimes I want to be honest on here but am afraid that it will come across as manic or a cry for help.
297. I wonder if the combination of jelly beans and no-doz is what jacked my sugar.
There�s a line from The Anniversary Party that I think about when I consider tall bridges or the headlights of on-coming traffic: �You can't do yourself in! Kids just rob you of that option!�
298. That being said, I really don�t want to die.
299. I think it�s hard for some people to understand how strong emotions like apathy, emptiness and discontent can be.
300. I don�t think that anyone else is the answer.

3:00 p.m. - May 08, 2006

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