winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. I�m so sad today. My son- my bright, funny, sensitive, wonderful son- is slipping. He�s feeling desperate and depressed. I�ve asked him to talk to me but to no avail. A happy accident, however, made some of his concerns available to me. One month ago, when I informed Raymond that Justin (an honor student all his life) was now getting Bs in every class except for two- his best classes- in which he had a D and an F. Raymond�s response: �I don�t know what to tell you. His grades would probably be better if we were back together.� So I ground him. What else can I do? I�m not a spanker and clearly this needs to be addressed. Especially since, the teacher informs me, that it�s not for lack of ability. He passes with flying colors all the papers that he finishes. It�s getting him to finish one that�s the problem. And he�s hiding notes from the teacher from me- notes that inform me that he�s not returning his homework (homework that I checked and made sure that he finished.) So, you tell me: doesn�t that call for some kind of reprimand? Some people- the more hard core people out there- would suggest that what he needs is a good beating. (Keep in mind that I do live in the Bible belt and we love that whole �spare the rod, spoil the child� line.) The truth is, I�m not a spanker. Sure, I did that a little when they were younger but, now that they are seven and ten, they are practically my size and hitting them, now, feels like hand-to-hand combat to me. And, maybe- just maybe, that�s an excuse but the bottom line is that I don�t feel comfortable hitting them- especially when neither of my children are even relatively deviant. Sure, I have trouble getting them to keep their room clean, they will occasionally stay out five or ten minutes past when I tell them to be home, they make messes in the yard that they forget to clean up but that�s the worst of it. I don�t see where any of that, even remotely, constitutes my hitting them. So I take things away from them. Now, Raymond, who DOES spank them, thinks I am being too hard on him. Still, it�s not like I think that grounding him is the cure all. Whilst he is deprived of his friends and his evening play time and finds himself doing extra study work in the evenings, I have also been setting more time aside for HIM. I found activities that he might be interested in that he and I could do together and have made a point of doing them- just in case this was his way of telling me that he felt he was being overlooked. I converse, through email, with his teacher to collaborate on a solution. I�ve asked him if anything is bothering him and if I can help. He says, there is but he�s not exactly sure what it is. I have talked to him about the option of speaking with a counselor in whom he might find it easier to confide than Raymond or I. I�m not just throwing him in his room for the sake of throwing him in there. I would really like to help him. Through a mediator, Justin confided that he is worries a lot about Raymond and I fighting. He knows that when we send him out to play or into another room that we must be fighting and wonders if it�s about him and Jordan. He wants more time with his father but doesn�t want to move away from me. He talks to his friends- all of which are children of divorced parents- and they all discuss how sad and confused it makes them feel and how they feel like they have to choose between them. So, of course, the first thing I do is talk to Raymond. I tell him that Justin has finally given us an idea of what�s bothering him- what keeps him so distracted. I tell him that I would like his help with talking to Justin about this but Raymond gets mad and upset and says, �Well, I just want us to get back together but that�s not going to happen.� I try to redirect him back to the problem at hand: that Justin needs to feel secure and we need, as his parents, to help him. He�s hurting. Raymond�s response, �God damn it, Heather, I�m hurting, too.� Yes. I know that, I tell him, but right now we need to think about Justin. It�s not about us, it�s about the kids. �All this time you�re doing just fine. You haven�t missed me or anything. I know about the kids and I tried to get us back together but, hell no! You�re not going to do it. But you�re going to keep me right here because you know what I want.� This is indicative of every conversation we have. He can�t see past what he wants. When he doesn�t get what he wants he throws a temper tantrum. I used to think that I was over giving into them but it doesn�t seem as though I am. I really just want us to be good parents together. Is that too much to ask? Do we absolutely have to be the kind of parents that have to leave messages with family members and drop the kids off at the curbs? Is that really what�s going to be best for the kids? I see, now, that I have a few options. 1. I can let Justin go live with his father so that he has the time that he feels he needs with his dad, pay child support and be a holiday Mom in the hopes that they could just go on with a less transitional lifestyle. (I am AGAINST this option- though I realized that in divorced families, children do this parent-switching thing all the time.) Hm. Not all together the best options. I�m willing to consider others if any of you much-wiser-than-me readers have any suggestions. You know, I really don�t want to sound like an over anxious mother but I can�t let my son fail, either, just because I want to believe that he�ll just grow out of it. I�ve been known in the past to indulge in certain self-destructive behaviors and, now, my ten-year-old son seems to be repeating that cycle. No matter much I might have failed myself (for whatever reason) I don�t have any right to fail my child. My parents didn�t give a damn how severely they ruined their kids but I do care what happens to mine and I�m not just going to sit around with my head in the sand when there�s something out there that I can do to help them- no matter how hard it might be to find what that is. �What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give.� ~P.D. James 2:56 p.m. - April 07, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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