winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only the mountains I can climb I just woke from a horrible dream, in which my careless behavior cost me something very dear and caused me to be humiliated in front of people whom I deeply respect- a dream far too close to reality for comfort. And the reality of the situation has made me sad and though I�ve come close to it several times, I�ve not cried even once. And I won�t. For those of you who don�t know, I just received a huge raise and have been offered a supplemental job with the state working with families to aid in child development and interpreting (sign language). The schedule if flexible, about 20 additional hours a week, but will add another $9,000 to my yearly income. All good news. Plus, there is a English position open about 5 miles from my house and I�ll be applying for that today. Let me see, what else� what else. Two weeks ago, the CEO of our company took me to lunch, sang my praises and offered me the raise himself (which, I might add, was well over the raise I was going to request.) I turned down an interview for a company that was offering twice as much as I make here- AFTER the raise- because, no matter the pay, I can�t justify putting that much space between me and my daughter and lessening the amount of time I get to spend with her. I am doing my best to maintain a friendly relationship with my ex husband while not encouraging him to believe that we might reconcile. (Same old story there. You can say it till you are blue in the face but when you are talking to a person who doesn�t want to hear what you are saying, you might as well be talking to the wall.) And my love life- well, that�s a rock better left unturned. But, let�s jostle it a little, shall we? I have been accused, from many sides, that I am not giving this person or that person a fair chance, that I�m not putting out enough effort; I�m not being affectionate enough; that past heart-breaks aside, I should be running into whomever�s arms and much more quickly than I have been doing so at this present time. Boys, I�ll get around to that. Lord knows, you guys are far more important than the new school clothes my son DIDN�T get this year and the car payments I can�t make and the house I am about to lose. But, don�t worry, you�ll have your moment in the sun. I�m not going to be passive aggressive about this. Right now, getting by (with any luck in the world, getting ahead) is far more important to me than getting laid. And I�m sure that I�d feel the pangs of loneliness more if it just weren�t for those damn hunger pangs edging it out. And, yes, I know- I made that bed, I�ll have to be the one to lie in it. And I am. Through the good and bad, through that which has given me hope and broken my heart, I am optimistic. I am in the perfect position to make my move. More so, I�m in the perfect frame of mine. If I have learned- and finally learned it completely- I have learned that I have to help myself before I help others. From now on, see if I don�t. 9:47 a.m. - August 22, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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