winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why I'm in such a good mood. Can I tell you how good it feels to have hope again? I wish I could explain it to you. It's just so...so... damned euphoric. As noted in my last journal entry, things have been tough, lately. Everything has seemed to come at me all at once and robbing Peter to pay Paul started to finally take it's toll. I reminded myself that, while things got tight (while I worked 50 and 60 hour weeks and splurged on nothing but bought the bare minimum to scrape by) that either by this job or another, I would finally get back on top of the game. I applied for every job for which I was even romotely qualified. I did research on what I would have to do to make myself more marketable and I invested in the steps to do it. And when the holds of responsibility got more and more tight, instead of stammering- I moved. Instead of sitting on the couch and hiding behind prime time tv, I exercised. Instead of fearing the possible outcomes, I forced myself to do something- anything- that was at least one step towards where I wanted to be. And I have to tell you, it feels good to finally have taken some control of my own life. It feels good to respect my choices. If feels good to feel like an adult and not like a silly little girl seeking comfort in unhealthy relationships. I'm not, by nature, a hopeful person. I'm, rather, a pensive, procrastinating one. The last time I was "hopeful" of anything was the only time I'd ever been in love, heart and soul. And even now, when I think about the thousands of miles that separated us, I am amazed how soundly I slept with that hope beside me. Hope warmed his pillow, hope brightened the day, hope passed the time until we saw each other again and could be reminded of what we, both, had been hoping for. I saw past the day to day obstacles and worked towards my future. And every step forward was it's own reward because it brought me closer to what I was hoping for. And I was happy- truly and completely happy. I feel that again. But this time it has nothing to do with anyone else. This time, it's all about me. I'm cleaning up my act. I'm becoming a grown up. I'm being responsible. In a way, it's kind of pathetic that I am admitting this- that I've been so dependant upon "the guy" in my life that everything revolved around that. I was more tempted than anyone knows to just run into the first arms that would catch me. And it took more strength than I think I've ever had to keep from doing it. I spent plenty of time being angry- angry at Shannon for being himself, angry at me for being myself, but, mostly, angry that I consistantly chose only that which would immediately satiate my needs and fears. The quick fix. I was bitter about where I was but I was only there because I chose to be. Here's the god's honest truth, my friends: I want to be married again, someday. There I said it. I admit it. I want it. I want a home. I want a partnership. I want vacations in the summer and I want someone to grow old with. I want it all. I want to be a wife, again. I liked being a wife. But I'm divorced. I'm divorced because I rushed into a marriage that I thought was a good solution. I'm divorced because I married a man who didn't really want to be a husband- he just didn't want to be alone- like me. The truth is, I'm divorced because I wasn't a good wife. I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't own my half of the marriage. Sure I did most of the work. Sure I did most of the giving. But to be a good wife you need to be a grown up. And being a grown up is more than putting on your heels and going to work and coming home and cooking dinner. And I wasn't. Silly, little girl strikes again! So, if being married again is something that I really want I have to do the work, first. I have to learn to be a grown up. I have to learn to consistantly make grown up choices- not seek comfort in that which offers immediate gratification but nothing in the long term. I have to do what I have been doing. Taking control. I'm becoming a person I really like, again- rather than someone I hope other people may like. I face my problems head on and am not And it feels good- Really good- to just hope for something again.
6:58 p.m. - August 24, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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