winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary

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A Thin line between the truth and lies

It�s May and, if any of you have noticed, I did not post my list last month. Oh I wrote it. In fact, I nearly doubled the list I�ve made in years past but, posting it left me open to far more speculation than I think I could have handled. So, day after day, week after week, I�d open the document with every intention of copy-pasting it to my journal (as I said I would) only to find myself closing it out at the end of the day- unwilling to share it�s honesty.

And it feels dishonest.

Oh, I rationalized that, at least I wrote it. I took the time to compare it to the lists past and to analyze where it seems I am, now, so what does it matter whether or not I post something that anyone who is likely to read it will either skim for entertainment value or, worse, realize how dishonest I have been with virtually everyone around me?

This year has been hard. And it�s been hard to share that.

I�ve squandered opportunities for happiness. I�ve been cold and complacent while forcing smiles and cheerful dispositions on those around me. I�ve baked cookies. I�ve made pies. I�ve performed random acts of kindness that were empty and void of any meaning to me what so ever. I�ve considered and indulged in desperate acts. I�ve played unfairly. And I�ve despised, almost on a daily basis.

It�s been a year of moving inside myself. It�s been a year of watching days slip into weeks and weeks slip into months with nothing of value to say about any of it. It�s been a year of playing my very best Polly Anna, trying to pull out of every situation the silver lining, salvaging something from this self-imposed mediocrity. It�s been a year of telling myself that I�m the only person that can change my life and, then not having the initiative to do so. It�s been a year of lies and deceit. A year of stubbornness and pride. A year of hope untouched. A year wasted.

See, this is where you could expect me to say something like, �I�ve had enough. I�m going to change it. I�m changing it all, today.� But, frankly, I�m tired of lying. I don�t know that I can change it. This may just be the best me that�s out there. And, believe it or not, I don�t say that with a �poor, poor pitiful me attitude.� I don�t. I know it will read that way. I know that when this is posted it will come off as a plea for sympathy. But, it�s not. I have just finally decided to start being honest and letting the chips fall where they may.

And I could post a list of 526 things that describe that or you could just take my word for it. And I guess, for now, it�s really all you can do.

9:48 a.m. - May 09, 2005

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