winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Let me start by saying that I could be wrong......But then again, I wouldn't place a lot of stock in it. I just know that there was a part of me that really wanted to be here- on the verge of opening up to relationships, again. But then there is this other part of me, the larger part of me is hesitant. I won't go into details because, at this point they really aren't significant enough to pick apart, but I've been dabbling in the whole "dating-thing" again and I'm reminded of how many stupid, pathetic games are played between two people who are just supposed to be getting to know one another and it really is enough to just turn me off of it, altogether. I'm biased, so I can't really say that I don't play these silly, childish games but I'd really like to think that I don't. Still, at the same time, last night while I was doing dishes the song, "This Time" by Tracy Chapman came on and I found myself considering it's message. I don't like the games. I don't like pretending to be sweet when I'm actually catty and sardonic. I don't like listening to someone agree with every single thing that I say, thinking it's something that it's something that I want to hear. I don't like the way people play dark and sullen to get others to comfort them. You know, say what you will about Christian and I's relationship (and believe me, everyone I know has had their go) but, of all the men I've ever met and subsequently dated, he was the easiest to get to know. When people ask me what I see in him and how I could be attracted to a man who seems to openly hate everyone, it's hard for people to understand how easy it was to just love him- an how attractive a quality that is. And as I say that, it's not without knowing that a million things have been said about my worthiness to be him, too. And it's a shame, really. I could (and have) dated complete dolts who have treated me horrible and with whom I constantly question my own judgement and people will just sit idly by and let me ride it out. Yet when something this easy comes along, we see flags on the field coming from every direction. Go figure. In other news, I am still playing hostess to a couple house guests. I'm too good a hostess and not nearly as patient as I would like. You know, here's what I think when it comes to helping people out- I've been down. Hell, I'm down more times than I'm up and I really do hate asking for help from others but have had to. I've really had no choice. So, when it comes to denying others of help, it's so hard for me. I don't really feel like I have any choice. (When, yes, of course I do.) And it's no news break that I let people take too much but, on the other hand I'm also easily eaten by guilt. So, what can you do? I will tell you that I am reaching my limit of coming home to a messy house, cleaning until I go to bed and then coming home to it, again. Oh, yes, tonight we are having Justin's (belated) Birthday party. It was Raymond's turn to have him on the day of the birthday, so we are celebrating late. Being the push over that I am, his Birthday Hamster, Jiggles, is visiting us for a week (and NO LONGER) so that his friends can see it at the Birthday party. I got him a set of roller blades, a bike and a bunch of other stuff I'm sure he'll over look- but, that hamster, he'll be the life of the party. Sorry, that sounded petty. I'll stop now. Well, have a good day, despite my efforts to bring it down a notch. 9:27 a.m. - 2004-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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