winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy Thanksgiving. And a Happy Thanksgiving to You.I'm recovering from the grips of death, I'm glad to say. Still, if I can't get the coughing and the rattling in my chest under control, I do plan to see a doctor. On the up side, I have most of my voice back, the fever is completely gone, my body no longer aches and my nose (though, now, rough and chaffed) is no longer running like a spickett. So there's that to be thankful for at least. Thanksgiving was happily uneventful- just the way I planned it. My children went with their father to Alabama for the holiday and my sisters and I all planned on having seperate dinners (for the first time.) They both invited me to eat at their houses but, being sick and a little on the meloncholy side, I considered just sticking it out in bed. A few days before Thanksgiving, however, I was talking to some friends who mentioned that they didn't really have anywhere to go as thier grandmother (their only relative) was in the hospital in critical condition. I thought about it for, say, five seconds before I offered them a dinner at my house. Before I knew it, I was fixing a Thanksgiving dinner for six people with just as few alternatives as my two friends and I. In all, it was a nice, warm dinner with people who were simply grateful that they didn't have to be alone on during the holiday. On the other side of town, things were not quite so tranquil. It turns out that my sister, The Paranoid Alcoholic, got angry about some insignificant something, caused a scene (and my Nana to cry) and stormed off- forcing (of course) my other two sisters, The Mother Hen and The Catholic, to search for her over hill and dale in the small township of Krebs, Oklahoma (population 2,051). Good times. So, here I am- post Thanksgiving- and wondering what it is I'm really grateful for. Those lists aren't as easy to make as they used to be. Oh, I know, I know. I should be grateful for my children and my family and that I have a good job and a nice home and plenty of food to eat. Sure. Okay. The truth is, I love my children and my family but lately- more than I care to admit- I just want some distance from all of them. Of course, yes, I have a good job and home and I probably shouldn't "jinx" myself by not appreciating, fully, all of my blessings. But, they aren't really blessings, are they? It wasn't a "blessing" that I had to fight against all odds to, at the very least, graduate from high school- what with having to help put my father in prison for molesting us and bouncing back and forth between foster homes and youth shelters. And it wasn't really a "blessing" that I worked my knuckles bare and filled my legs full of vericose veins from working my way through college. I earned those things. I worked hard for them. I paid a hefty price for all of that. And I pay for the things I have now. I work myself frazzled for the few pennies that I get to call my own. These aren't blessings. They are the fruits of my labor. I toil for everything that I have. I toil and then I listen to people complain about how little I get for it, or how little THEY get from it, rather. So, it's hard to think about being grateful for things that I've earned. I suppose I should be less synical this time of year. It's just hard. I'm not like most people. I don't get to use phrases like, "I'm lucky because..." a lot. Well... because I'm not really lucky. Am I lucky because I have two great kids? No. They take work. They take effort. It's not luck that they respect their elders and that they have good manners. I have two great kids because I believe that they can be great adults and I'm willing to put in the elbow grease to get them there. I love my children. I adore them. But that doesn't make me lucky. Am I lucky because I can have children, at all? On one hand, I can say sure. My sister Katrina can't have children of her own and it's an empty sore spot for her. But, when you look at the averages, it's not really all that difficult to get pregnant. Maybe it's just my frame of mind. I don't know. Maybe if I were happier. Maybe if I had a little more hope. Maybe I'll feel better once I get more sleep. I don't know. I just don't know. All I can say is that I know that last year, at this time, I was the happiest I've ever been in my entire life and this year I'm just here. So, Happy Holidays to all of you. May you have a full understanding of what it is that truly makes you happy this time of year. 3:17 p.m. - 2003-11-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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