winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Pitiful Day After... ...Errr, uh... Hey, don't mind the crazy lady, she's high on Niquil.It's the weekend after- after Thanksgiving, that is- and I've been, rightfully, set in my place. I wrote the worst Thanksgiving entry ever. I know. It was bitter. It was spiteful and full of pathetic ranting toasts for my pity-party. I've really got to stop this "Oh, woe is me," thing. I'll include the letter that knocked me off my soapbox and add my apologies for not appreciating what I have. "Dear Heather, I hope that today you are powerful well. Today, here in this dismal town of York (actually it is extremely picturesque, but dismal none the less) it is raining. It was raining last night when I went to bed and it was raining when I got up. It was dark when I got up and it is dark now. Today is one of those dismal days when dawn never dawns and that is not good! I was sorry to read that you didn't have the best of Thanksgivings, but at least it was peaceful - that counts for a lot - your poor Nana wasn't so fortunate! My mother ruined every childhood Christmas that i can remember and now that I am a big boy, my wife has ruined just about every Christmas since the children were born. If we had Thanksgiving over here, you can 'bet your bottom dollar' that they'd ruin that too! You say that you are wondering what it is that you really are grateful for. Although you love your family, you increasingly want some distance. Well that's sounds perfectly healthy and normal. You can choose your friends, but not your family. Families drive people to distraction. You've said in the past that you are all too easy to walk over. From what I've read, you are a fighter, showing true grit and determination. I am a pushover but I've never had to really fight for anything in my life. I had a privileged life. I sailed through my exams without really trying. At college, I didn't have to work because in those days students received financial grants. Nothing had ever really gone wrong for me until 1994. You are right, you did earn those things that you have achieved and you should be proud of yourself. Perhaps, being proud of yourself is something to be thankful for. As regards to your father's molestation, that is utterly unforgivable. I have a close friend and colleague, Richard, who was appalling abused by his father from the age of 3 until the age of 13 when he threatened his father with a knife. Richard 'forgot all about it', until, whilst in hospital, a spell of delirium brought it all back. His father was now dead and so he couldn't tell the authorities. His mother won't accept that anything went on. Only his cousin and fellow victim knows the truth. Richard is angry and bitter that he has been denied the opportunity of seeing his father in court. He has been denied justice. Richard is a very unhappy man who has walked about with the phone number of a victim's of incest support group in his pocket for nearly 2 years. He is too afraid to call. Perhaps you can be thankful that your suffering was at least recognised. Having children was the best thing that ever happened to me. They have enriched my life immeasurably. But I was 34 when Molly was born. I had had a long time to be selfish. I had had the chance to lead and live my own life . You married young and had your children relatively young. Had I had children in my twenties, I'm certain that I would have resented them a great deal. As you say, looking at the averages, it's not really all that difficult to get pregnant. But one in three of all pregnancies fail and when a child is wanted, failure to conceive can be soul crushingly painful, with every failed month being almost like a bereavement. I know it is a clich�, but you're children will grow up safe and secure in the richest nation on earth. They will hopefully never live in a war zone. They will certainly never experience famine and at nearly 8, Justin is lucky that he will not to be pressed into service as a child soldier. For all too many people, these things are an everyday reality. I don't want to seem like a lame headed preacher and I certainly don't want to patronise. You have had a difficult life and you have always worked hard. Your spirit has won through. You should be proud of yourself - I just wish that I could be more like you! Friday was my 'lost loves' birthday. I made her a special birthday card crammed full with imagery that would mean something to her. I drew it with love and care. I hadn't contacted her since telling her that I wasn't going to divorce my wife. Somehow, I wanted her to know that I still loved her. Today she wrote me the most beautiful letter that has opened up all my wounds afresh. She wrote, "...your incredible drawing was one of the most precious, wonderful, thoughtful gifts I have ever received for my birthday...It was so sweet, kind, intimate and so Andrew. And yes, you are a very proper shit but a wonderful one at that." I am thankful for her lovely letter. I still love her, she still loves me and it is raining outside. I must suffer in silence! Fond regards, Andrew, You know, I know he's right. He is. The truth is, my life isn't all that bad. I do have a home. I have a home while my sister is moving from relative to relative this holiday season. And I do have two, wonderful children that I shouldn't take for granted. And I do know how hard it is to have them. I do. While one sister will never give birth to her own child, I watched my younger sister try for nine years to have a baby. Not to mention that I lost two before I ever gave birth to my son, Justin. It's not just that easy to have babies and I shouldn't have made light the struggles of those who find themselves barren. Those were hateful, spiteful commments from a lonely, unhappy person. I'm sorry. I know that only I can make me happy and that I'll be lonely until I fix that myself. I also know that feeling sorry for myself isn't helping me or getting me anywhere. After I took some time to think about things I realized that it has something to do with the fact that I don't really want to be happy without my long lost love. I'm not ready to be happy without him. But, ready or not, I don't do him or I any favors turning into a miserable old wretch. So, I'm going to give it a try. I don't really know where to start. I don't think dating is the answer but I certainly would like more of a social life. Anyone have any suggestions? Perhaps I'll join one of those online "meet-n-greet" kind of things. Either way, it can't be worse than this, can it? 9:20 a.m. - 2003-12-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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