winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Something to think about. Universal Truth #14: The highest compliment someone can give you is to say that you made them think.I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm a journal reader. I am. I read about choices that people make. I read about things that people struggle with. I read about experiences they have. I read people's journals. Can't help myself, really. Well, that's not actually true. I can, I just choose not to. And I make that choice, not because I'm addicted to people's drama but, rather, because reading how other people explore their lives often guides me through ways in which I might explore my own. I read Christian's journal regularly- though I probably shouldn't. It's just that he's still, very much, a part of my life, whether he wants to be or not. He's a part of my daily thoughts. We aren't really talking, right now, so I only read what everyone else reads and, lately, that's been filtered and sensored. (I can understand his reasoning. I've done the same thing myself.) There are still times I want to just click his name on my messenger list and risk him tearing me apart- just to talk to him, again but the closest I come is to click on his name and begin a conversation and then "x" out of the window before I can push enter. I don't know how long I will torture myself with stupid acts like that. I don't know how long I'll be able to stand it, really. But I miss him and I can't help that. And I feel safe admitting that because I know that he doesn't read my journal anymore. (Something else I can understand.) Well, anyway, he's been as introspective as I have been lately. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it feels like we've been dropped from this extreme height and, now, we are trying to get our footing again so that we can figure out where we need to go from here. He asks himself what would make him happy, right now? What are his goals? What is he looking for? And, I've been asking the same questions of myself. So far I know a few things: I want my house in order- and in most senses it is. For the most part everything is where I want it to be, looking how I want it to look- all except my bedroom. I've not really done anything with my bedroom and basically because I've not really wanted to be IN my bedroom. I have ideas of what I want to do with it but haven't spent the time. I think I'm going to start. I want to spend a little less time on my couch and a little more time feeling productive. And I want to spend more time with my children. I've spent the normal amount of time but I've been pretty stand-offish and, if I may say so myself, a little resentful of their role in us staying here in Oklahoma. It's not right. It's not their fault and it was wrong of me to treat them like it was. The last thing I want is to end up like my sister, the alcoholic, who is more concerned about the men in her life than the children she created with them. I shouldn't say it, but I will. I want someone in my life. I think I'm strong enough to stand on my own. I think I'm strong enough to be alone if I have to, and my wanting someone may be the result of not acheiving that, yet, but I know- deep down- I want a hand to hold. I want to be loved. I want to be kissed passionately in the back of toy stores. I want someone who belongs to me. I want things I've denied myself in the past for the sake of others. And I'm getting those. Slowly. Surely. I'm learning to treat myself the way I always wanted someone else to treat me. I want to express my creativity in some form. There are so many options and I'm not employing any of them. And that's something that I can be doing. That I SHOULD be doing. Maybe I'll start that tonight. Hey, maybe I'll start with my bedroom. 12:11 p.m. - 2003-11-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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