winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Epiphany "I tried daydreaming but my mind kept wandering." Steven WrightI'm not sure if I'm just on an insomnia high or if, for some reason, things are actaully settling into place, today. I didn't sleep at all last night. And, while lying there contemplating sleep, a few random thoughts occurred to me.Now, as I note these, I'm sure that many of you who venture in here from time to time to read my journal might find yourselves slapping your palm to your forehead and uttering the very sarcastic, "DUUUUH!" But still, I assure you that, had I been in a place where I could see this clearly in the past, I might not have needed to write some of the more pathetic entries this little journal has entertained. Unfortunately, we don't see things until we are ready. And- for whatever reason- last night I must have been ready to accept some of my more flawed motives. I've mentioned, in the past, my penchant for servitude and the tendancy for those around me to take some advantage of that. I've also mentioned, a time or two, my frustration surrounding this need. I mean, I do believe that people have natural biological tendencies that they can't control like someone's drive to be creative or artistic or someone else's need to work with limited interaction with others. I don't think that those things are results of our mothers choosing whether to put mobiles above our cribs or making us cry ourselves to sleep in the dark. I think they are a part of our make up. But, after all this time, I've not been able to swear that this need to give others more than I give myself wasn't more nurture than nature. And I've wondered why. Last night, the answer seemed clear. True or not, it came to me in the same way that Charles offers suggestions about my behaviors: could it be that I serve people in an effort to make them need me- therefore lessening the chance that they will leave me? I don't know but it made sense. I also thought about what keeps me tied to my family and what it would take for me to move away to a place where I knew no one. Interestingly enough, I found more comfort than fear in the consideration. There are times when I miss believing in God. I am sure that it has a lot to do with the fact that I feel like I need someone to reach out to but, there's also something else. I miss that feeling of hope. Believing in God gave me hope. I'm short on hope these days and I miss it. Maybe with a few more sleepless nights I'll figure out why I'm so dependant on wishes and dreams. If I ever figure that one out, I'll be sure to let you know. 2:13 p.m. - 2003-10-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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