winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The simplest decisions are always the hardest to employ Universal Truth #47: A Gillette is better than Ockham's Razor.An annoying guy came into my office yesterday, as he does about three times a week, and made the same comment he makes everytime he comes in: "Yeah, I'd like to apply for a night job- at your house." It's intended to be funny, I know. And I laughed (although nervously) the first few times I heard it but, now, it's just- much like him- annoying. Only this time, after making the comment, he says, "Why don't you ever take me serious? You should let me take you out sometime." I laughed. And not in the nervous way that I tend to laugh when someone says something that's intended to be funny but makes me a bit uncomfortable, instead. No, this was a deep down- I wish I could mask the intensity of this but- you've-got-to-be-kidding- laugh. "What," he says, "you wouldn't go out with me?" (enter the nervous laughter, again) "We could probably be good together and you wouldn't know until you've tried it." "Ah... but I do know. I do. Really." And as annoying and unattractive as this guy is- it wouldn't be his fault. Not to say that I'm better than this guy- at all- but let's face it, he's been coming in here for two years and there's a reason why he can't keep a job for longer than a week and a half. And still, when push came to shove- I would end up letting this deadbeat make me feel small. So, what's the use? I really am at this place in my life, though, where I think I can see myself objectively, but am not sure how to go about changing the flaws. The thing is, the answer is probably very simple. It's probably right in front of my eyes. And yet, nothing. It really is why I appreciate the insight of the people whose opinions I value. I just wish there were more of them. And, though it's not a good time to ask, I wish I had more access to some of them. On a couple side notes: I had another dream about Betty and Joseph, last night. I wish I could just call them. Brett, a friend I met through Shannon, is coming in tonight from Ohio. He'll only be here through the weekend but I really can't wait to see him. I don't know what, if anything, we will get to do while he's down, but I'm sure- whatever it is- it will be fun. I just wish he could stay longer. I'm getting a lot of pressure from my family to go to Indiana for a week or so. Yes, I need the vacation. When don't I need the vacation? But, at the same time, how much of a vacation am I going to have saying goodbye to my dying grandmother? (Oh, I know, this is where I get crucified, again.) 'How can I be so cold? How can I be so callous? Saying goodbye to your grandmother shouldn't be a vacation. It should be a time of bereavement. Of course you should go. How could you even question it?� I know all these things. I do. But, I have mixed feelings. And avoiding my feelings is one of my specialties. (And, as a wise friend reminds me, you should stick with your strengths.) Honestly, I don�t really want to go down and do the whole �Oh, Grandma, you aren�t going to make it to Christmas, so let�s have this last good time together- thing.� It won�t be a good time. It will be hard. It will hurt. I�ll want to cry. I�ll want to get angry. And, really, I just got passed being angry all the time. I don�t want to do it again. Not so soon. I�m still exhausted from the last round. I don�t want to start cycling these emotions, again. And, yes, I know- it�s my grandmother. But, it�s also means spending time with my parents and I can't handle them when they are pretending to be happy- let alone when they have a perfectly good reason to be dramatic. They get into this whole "I need you to know how much I really love you"-thing and I hate that situation. I hate standing there, biting my tongue to keep from saying, "sure" or "hm, interesting." Or worse, not knowing what to say instead. On the other hand, I would get to see my brother (in prison)- whom I�ve not seen or spoken to in well over five years. That�s another uncomfortable reunion but, sadly, the one I�d most look forward to. I know I seem like a basically unhappy person and I can understand that, based on two things: (1) there are a lot of unhappy elements in my life and (2) I�m basically unhappy. But, there is hope. First of all, this is Halloween weekend and I have made some really outstanding costumes. I didn�t get to sew for the kids, this year, as Rainman went out and bought them cheap, store-bought costumes, but I did get to sew for a few friends and myself. Halloween is absolutely my favorite holiday. I love the costumes. I love being able to be creative. I love the opportunity it provides to live outside yourself for a day. I love the social freedom we are allowed to be uninhibited- and believe me, in this area, we don�t get much of that. I, jokingly, told my sister that a friend and I were going to dress up as a Priest and a Pregnant Nun. (Insert laughter here.) I really just said it for shock value but the appalled gasps I got in response triggered something that made me just want to wear it out of spite. Instead I asked, �What? Would you rather we go as a Priest and an Alter Boy?� Oh, well. What can you do? Anyway, I love Halloween. Halloween makes me wonder why I didn't go into costume design or, at the very least, employ those skills when I was near enough a theater that could have used them. Maybe I�ll look a little farther outside of my present community and find a theater that needs a good seamstress. Maybe I could find some happiness there. We�ll see. 8:04 a.m. - 2003-10-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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