winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- self actualization Well, it's Thursday, again. How is everyone? I am. That's the most that can be said, I think- for right now, anyway. I've got all my strings pulled tight, these days. I'm putting all my energy into some things that are going to improve my level of living and that just might improve my level of happiness- in turn- and I really need to be able to hope for that. At this very moment, members of our company are resubmitting a bid for FE, the company that we worked so hard to staff last year and that we just lost by the skin of our teeth. The chances of them accepting our bid this year have increased, dramatically, as there are no other staffing companies in this area large enough to handle their needs and as their current company continues to spiral downward, financially. Even with these assurances, I have learned my lesson. I believe nothing until I see it. Our regional directors are all abuzz- excited, even. Clamoring together, discussing rates and the services we can provide and how much money that will bring into this office. Again, we are discussing the possibility of promotions and pay raises (things I no longer believe in). The if/thens are flooding our phone and email lines. Me, I'm relaxed. I'm calm. See, I don't care so much about whether we get this company anymore- and I'll tell you why: Because I don't see it profiting me. Last year, I was silly enough to believe that if we landed this company, that it would, somehow, make my life better. That I would have better opportunities. I would make more money. It would make me happier. But, that was last year. Last year was a year when hope was overflowing. This year, I played it smart. I got out my little calculator and discovered that at the exact same pay rate (as I no longer expect fair compensation or raises) I would get an extra (taxable) $46.36 a month for working the extra 16-20 hours it would take to service them. Somehow, that doesn't sound quite as appealing as it did a year ago. Let me see, what else? Raymond's dating. That's good- I guess. He should have someone to make him happy. I mean, I don't begrudge him happiness- I just begrudge him more happiness at my expense. But, at the same time, there's a part of it that stings. I think that it stings because he's pretty much at the epicenter of my anger and I'm not sure how to reconcile it. I hate him, these days. I loathe him and everything that he symbolized in my life. I hate everything that is somehow tied to him- which has left me in this strange place with my children. I feel the strains of that between Justin and I, everyday, while I have this deep urge to kidnap my own daughter to keep her from ending up some pregnant, fourteen year-old drop out. I am angry at everything that has happened to me since Raymond happened to me. And, as much as I want to blame him, I know that I'm just projecting my poor decision making onto him. HE was a poor choice. And, though my children weren't, procreating with him was. Staying with him was. Letting him have and keep any control over me was. Maintaining that I got what I deserved was. Maybe, now, he can be someone else's poor decision. But, as I write all that, I think about the times, in the past, when Charles or Christian told me that I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy. Strangely enough, I'm more angry that they knew it than I was when they accused me of it in the first place. And, believe me, it pissed me off when they'd accuse me of it. I'm no better than the people who annoy me with their stupidity. I don't really want to be so angry all the time but I just hate so many things right now. Or, rather, is it that I hate one thing right now that I'm just trying to blame on so many other things? I hate self-actualization. Oh and I swear to fucking god that I will throw that radio through the wall if "A Million Miles" comes on ONE more time, today.
12:15 p.m. - 2003-10-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||