winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Looking Back in Anger "Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten."--BuddhaLet me see, how do I recount my suck-ass weekend? Well, you know what, I don't. I don't because I don't really have the energy to do it. I had this brief moment in my life where the waters seemed to calm and my life seemed easy for a few minutes. And I should have known not to count on it. Yesterday, Charles made the comment that I had the worst luck of anyone he knew and, of course, part of the tone was that I make excuses so as not to have to do things. My response was that of self-loathing and poor, poor pitiful me (which has been my mood of late) but, then I took some time to think about it. I didn't go see Christian. Yes, there were several good reasons why I wasn't able to get to Ada, including the current lack of transportation and the fact that I was in the emergency room with my grandfather until the wee hours of the morning after he toppled over from debilitating chest pain but Charles contests that if I had really wanted to see him, I would have found a way. And who am I to argue with him? I didn't want to have to lay guilt trips on anyone to make my way there. I didn't really want the pressure of that meeting. I didn't want to walk away with my heart crushed, again. I didn't want to wonder if my anger was going to show through. I didn't want my underlying hostility to create an uncomfortable air. And I didn't want to be scrutinized. But, still, none of that should have stopped me. But it did. Instead of going to my college homecoming I got lectured by dear, caring sister, The Catholic, who says that my anger is becoming and issue with the rest of the family. No one knows what to do to help and the truth is, most just want to stay away. And the truth is that my anger isn't subsiding as quickly as most of us would hope. In fact, I would say that the more time I get to think about things, the angrier I get. While 'discussing' the issue with my sister, the Catholic, I made horrible venting comments about pretty much everyone I know, including my own children, while she sat there bewildered. I know that what she'd really like to do is disarm my anger but I'm not quite ready to stop hating everyone, just yet. I love her. I appreciate her concern but I'm pissed off at the world and I don't see that ending any time soon. I'm sure I'm on the verge of losing my job- and, for the first time, I just don't care- because I can't hold my tongue and I can't bear to kiss my way up a coporate ladder that isn't getting me anywhere but farther behind. I have had, in the past, nothing but contempt for those who milk the welfare cow but, you know what, they must be doing something right, they're all driving better cars than me. And everyday someone else says, "Well, at least you know it can't get any worse." And those are the people I hate most. I hate them for inviting the potential for my life to suck just a little bit more. And as much as I'd like to blame all of this on some higher power who enjoys cranking up the volts just to see if I'll dance a little faster, I know better. I know that I'm creating my own bad luck. I'm creating my own sucky life. Which is why Christian should really be grateful he doesn't have to be a part of it anymore, or better yet, that he wasn't pulled further into it. Really, all the people around me who have the luxury of complaining about how fucked up my life is, have the ability to walk away. And though there are times I wish I was still attracted to warm baths and sharp razors, I'm not. I can't walk away. I have to actually deal with this clusterfuck. So I have to find some kind of solution. I have to either, alienate people, or I have to listen to them complain. So hate me. Loathe me. Have undying contempt for me. But, for the love of Christ, could give me a little peace and quiet while you do it? "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned."--Buddha 9:36 a.m. - 2003-10-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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