winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If I Were Given to Manic Ramblings... If I Were Given to Manic Ramblings��It would sound something like this: I want a new drug One that won't make me sick One that won' make me crash my car Or make me feel three feet thick I�m such a nervous wreck that I�m whittling my nails to the quick. And my head is so full of lists that I can�t keep them straight. I�m organizing my laundry and washing my closets just to expel some of this nervous energy. There�s just so much to do and so many things are slowing me down. So many things to do and so many things not getting done. There are just so many things to do. I want a new drug One that won't hurt my head One that won't make my mouth too dry Or make my eyes too red I travel this hilly stretch of road to see my daughter, every week. I travel it so often that there�s no turn that I don�t know like the back of my hand. I hate that road. I hate the trips. But then I find myself wondering: will I miss it? Will I find myself preferring that twisted path to the mountains of concrete and steel that awaits me in L.A.? And then, every second I spend with my daughter feels like we are saying goodbye. Will I be able to be a long distance mother? Will I be able to drown out the people who whisper around me, wondering what mother could move without her child? Will I really be able to leave without her? And when I do get there and I when I do get her there, will the presence of my children and I become less attractive than the ideal? I want a new drug One that won't spill One that don't cost too much Or come in a pill Will the neon lights and glitter diminish how well I normally shine? Will Christian love me when I learn to hate myself as this anorexic society demands- when I become just one more person that it chewed up and retched away? Will I bury myself so deeply in Christian�s interests that I forget what my interests once were? Will my only chance at success come from swimming in small ponds? Will there be room in that crowded town for my individuality? Will I end up finally drowning in that sea of people?
I want a new drug One that won't go away One that won't keep me up all night One that won't make me sleep all day And I need money. Money, money, money. It�s in my hand and then gone before I can count on it. Or it�s in savings and being slowly dipped from because I have to have new tires and I have to be able to get back and forth to work and make trips back and forth to Ada or go to family weddings and graduations or camping trips. I need money. I need money. I need money. I want a new drug One that does what it should One that won't make me feel too bad One that won't make me feel too good I�m nervous and I�m scared and Christian says I�m getting weird. But it�s too hard to jump up and down and say, �Yippee!! I�m leaving my family behind. Hurray, I won�t know but a handful of people in this strange place. Good for me, my daughter will be so far away from me and I won�t be able to see her every weekend,� even if this is the place that I want to be and even if this is the person with whom I want to spend my future . Okay, so, transition isn�t my strong point. 4:11 p.m. - 2003-05-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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