winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary

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The List (Part I)

THE LIST

In light of the fore mentioned �rebirth� of the year, I submit to you� (Dunt, dunt, dunnnnnn�)

Yes, boys and girls, it�s time once again to make The List. Now some of you (those who are only recently acquainted with me) might be asking what the hell is "The List"? Those who have known me for any length of time know that every year, near April, I make a list of self-perceptions. This list usually consists of about 300 facts I know about myself. The interesting part is that items on 'The List' change from year to year and once I have the current list complete, I read over the lists from the years past and gain a bit of perspective on what type of progress I�ve made- or, sometimes, lack thereof. Yes, this list may seem silly. It may seem childish and that�s fine, but making The List helps me, if no one else, to better understand who I am and what I want.

Three hundred or more items, though? I know, it seems like a lot. But, when you start writing them, the first hundred or so come pretty easily. The real discovery comes when you have to really search for the truth. This year, my goal is four to five hundred. And, if I�m able, this week I intend to post a hundred a day.

So, here goes nothin�.

1. I really love pajamas.

2. I prefer to sleep naked.

3. I love my belly button ring because it was one of my few selfish indulgences.

4. People thought I was too fat to get my navel pierced.

5. I love my bed.

6. There are times I like sleeping alone.

7. I almost always want someone in bed with me in the middle of the night.

8. I like cold sheets on bare skin. (Except in winter.)

9. I�m very cold natured.

10. I have 31 candles in my bedroom.

11. I am 31 years old.

12. I will be 32-years-old in June.

13. Celebrating my birthday has never been a very big deal.

14. My family has forgotten my birthday four out of the past five years.

15. My little sister is only 9 months and eight days younger than me, so for three months out of the year, we are the same age (respectively).

16. I sleep with a stuffed animal (a dog, named Happy, that my grandfather gave me.)

17. I slept with a stuffed animal while I was married.

18. When Christian�s in my bed, he tosses Happy on the floor.

19. I don�t mind so much�until the middle of the night when we�ve rolled away from each other and I have nothing to hold onto.

20. I love buying books.

21. Book stores, libraries and museums are my churches.

22. I promised myself I wouldn�t buy another book until I moved to California.

23. I broke that promise by buying an antique book for someone as a gift.

24. I�m not sure if I really broke the promise as I bought the book for someone else and not for me. (It feels like I broke the promise, though.)

25. The next book I buy will be in California.

26. I haven�t weighed myself in sixteen years.

27. I know I�ve lost weight because people keep telling me.

28. I have no idea how much weight I�ve lost and I don�t really care.

29. It makes me uncomfortable when people refer to me as attractive or pretty.

30. I don�t always understand what they really mean.

31. It shouldn�t, but it makes me feel stupid.

32. I�d rather be smart than pretty.

33. It�s hard for me to accept that it�s possible to be both.

34. I don�t think I�m as smart as people think I am.

35. I own my own opinions.

36. I believe that everyone has a right to their own opinion.

37. I don�t think it�s important for people to always agree.

38. I think that I�m open-minded.

39. I like myself more than I have in years past.

40. I think I�m happier than I�ve ever been.

41. I�m lonely.

42. I want to have someone to come home to.

43. I want someone to share my happiness with.

44. I have �speed skater� thighs.

45. I have green eyes.

46. My eyes turn BRIGHT green when I cry.

47. I hate crying.

48. I don�t cry in front of people. (It makes me feel weak.)

49. I wonder if people think that I�m a drama monger when they see me cry.

50. My sisters think that I�m cold-hearted because I won�t cry "with" them.

51. I don�t like drama.

52. I harbor seedlings of agitation and defensiveness towards anyone who I know has seen me cry.

53. I�m going to miss my �girly� bedroom when Christian and I move in together.

54. I don�t have faith in God.

55. I don�t believe I�m going to hell for saying that.

56. I used to have (what I thought was) unshakable faith. Now I only have hope.

57. Brian Tipton was my first �love�. When I think about him, now, I wonder if I ever loved him at all or if I was just afraid that, without that attachment, I would feel unwanted.

58. I did love Raymond, but mostly I felt an obligation to prove I hadn�t made a mistake by rushing into a marriage niether of us were sure we should be in.

59. I hate being wrong.

60. I can admit when I am wrong.

61. It was wrong to have married Raymond.

62. I learned it�s never easy paying for your mistakes.

63. I�m a recovering insomniac.

64. I hate taking medicine.

65. That�s kinda a lie. Sometimes when I�m desperate enough to take Tylenol PM, I like that loopy feeling I get right before I drift off. But, then I hate the way it makes me toss and turn.

66. I love my job.

67. I like it better than teaching.

68. I think I was a good teacher.

69. I think I did my best at every job I�ve ever done.

70. I like reading dictionaries.

71. I have liberal political leanings.

72. I wear baggy clothes that hide my figure.

71. I wear baggy clothes even now that I have somewhat of a figure to show off.

74. I resent my mother for not being mature enough to have five children and then having five children, anyway.

75. My father is never going to stop drinking.

76. My parents informed me, yesterday, that they were getting a divorce.

77. I don�t know how to feel about my parents divorcing.

78. I think that my parents are too comfortable in their mutual unhappiness to ever get a divorce.

79. I dream about my foster parents at least once a week.

80. I love my foster parents more than I do my real parents.

81. It hurts to dream about them.

82. I�ve not spoken to them in almost five years.

83. Letting them go was my greatest and hardest sacrifice.

84. I miss my foster parents so much it hurts to admit it, even to myself.

85. I�m pretty proud of my new website. It�s giving me a creative venue that doesn�t require me to pour my soul out to people.

86. My sisters will NOT visit the site.

87. When I tell people that I have no concept of physical beauty, I think they think I�m lying to them.

88. It�s difficult to explain it.

89. I am left handed- when I write and, 90% of the time, when I eat.

90. I am right handed when I use scissors and, 90% of the time, when I am hand-stitching something.

91. I use both my left and right hands, equally, for everything else including drawing, painting, and playing sports.

92. I type 59 words a minute.

93. I am excellent at multi-tasking.

94. I have let people take advantage of me, too easily, in the past.

95. I have always wanted my employers to appreciate my work but have not demanded they pay me what I�m worth.

96. That changed this year.

97. I sit with one leg under me when I�m at my desk. I sit that way until one leg falls asleep and then I switch to the other.

98. I think sitting like that is doing damage to my knees.

99. I like getting older.

100. I still consider myself young.

Okay. Well, that's a beginning. Already I see some things that are different about last year's list. Hmmm. What will tomorrow bring?

2:42 p.m. - 2003-04-08

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