winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in..." �The book says, we might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us.� I know that everyone says that they had a terrible childhood. I know how little you will believe me when I say that mine was TRULY terrible. But, that�s okay. While I know that I could detail why mine resulted in nightmare-induced insomnia, decades of self destructive behavior and an extensive stay at a local psychiatric hospital, I will readily admit that there are people out there who have had it FAR worse than me. Truth be known, as bad as my experiences were, I know that it was nothing in comparison to what two of my own sisters had to endure. So, this isn�t an �Oh, woe is me� entry. It�s a �I am daily filled with a sense of pride and wonder that I did the work that makes me a functioning adult, today.� I�m proud that I�m no longer ostracizing my friends and family- forcing them away, doing things to make them hate me so that hiding in the woods and trying to off myself would be a little easier. I am proud that when I wake up in the morning, the feeling of being overwhelmed doesn�t keep me from getting out of bed. I wish I slept more, but I�m very proud that I no longer overload my senses to keep myself awake for fear of being helpless in my dreams. I�m proud that I am finally at a place in my life where I�ve stopped giving people control. I am more proud that I invest in healthy relationships, now, and can be a contributing part of those relationships. I�m proud but it sure took a lot of work. Well, here�s the situation: long lost relatives have floated to the surface of my life. Relatives who, now, want a relationship. Relatives who are trying to piece my past together with theirs. Relatives who want to understand why I was raised in foster care. Relatives who want details. I had one such conversation, yesterday, with one such relative. That conversation caused me to have an uncomfortable dream, last night. And It�s been a really long time since I�ve had such a dream. Though I can tell you that, finally, in that dream, I maintained control the whole time and I got away, it was still VERY uncomfortable for me. Now, I have to figure out if adding these relatives to my life is going to be healthy decision. I have to figure out, if I�m going to add them, how and I going to do it without feeling overwhelmed by what hurt me in my past. I like these people. I think I would like a relationship with them. But, I also think that having that relationship is going to test how healthy I really am. Again I say: �If it can be done, it can and WILL be done by me.� 1:15 p.m. - 2003-02-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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