winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The mommy in me. I guess I should be happy. On Sunday, I had almost every child in our neighborhood on our doorstep wanting to play with Justin. In addition to that, there were four little girls who chased him around the yard trying to kiss him. My son's not a leper. He's not a social outcast. The children in his cub scout group love him. He has plenty of friends at school. Still, I find myself uneasy. I've had nightmares about Justin for the last two nights involving him wanting to drop out of school and ending up in prison. The thing is that Justin reminds me a lot of my little brother, Scott, whom I love dearly but never quite understood and I find myself afraid of seeing Justin follow his uncle's path. Scott is a passionate person who feels things so deeply it scares me. Well, it used to scare me because one of the things he felt passionately about was killing me. I�m more than sure that I antagonized him in some way but, for the life of me, I can�t remember what in the world made him chase me with an ax and subsequently try to chop a bathroom door down to get to me. Now, Justin isn�t violent at all. Despite the lengths his little sister, Jordan, goes to, he�s never tried to push her out of a window or stab her, both of which Scott did to me when we were younger. People complain that I�m too protective of my children. Correction: people complain that I�m too protective of Justin while I nurture the strong characteristics in my daughter. I will admit that I might have done that a time or two. I also realize that if I have to worry about either of my children ending up in prison like their uncle, I should be worrying more about Jordan than Justin, but still, I find myself afraid for him. I don�t fear for Jordan quite as much. Her instincts to protect were developed early. Almost immediately, if I remember right. She has always been the one to dictate where people were in her life. I�m afraid of how Justin will love. I�m afraid of how he will fall. I�m afraid that someone is going to take advantage of his forgiving nature until it breaks him and he, like my brother, starts breaking people in return. My brother falls hard. He falls with every ounce of his body. The problem with falling is that it hurts when you eventually stop and when Scott stops, he shatters. I see that in Justin. I see that potential. Of course, I don�t know how much better it is to love at an arm�s length, either- which has always been my tendency. I know. I know. I worry too much. I am worrying needlessly. I am being silly. He�s only seven years old. But, he won�t always be seven. He didn�t stay a baby and he won�t stay a child and I know that this seven-year-old is just the foundation for the thirty-year-old I hope to see become a leader of men, some day. I know that I help to create that. I know that I can be the thing that might hinder it, also. So I sit back. I let him be himself. I let him be popular. I let the girls chase him and try their best to win that kiss. I try not to hold him back. I try to not be frightened about the course his life is already taking. I try to not take the dreams too seriously when I see him complaining about how he hates school and can�t wait to get out. Then, how he hates prison and, again, can�t wait to get out. Yet, I�m a mother. It�s my job to want more for this person than I want for myself. 10:18 a.m. - 2003-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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