winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- See, this is why there are limits... As I might have mentioned, I�ve been doing some �hands-on� research, lately. �Good God,� you must be saying to yourselves. �Doesn�t she ever stop? She�ll go blind.� Well, what can I say? My lover lives in LA and I live in McAlester, Oklahoma. Seriously folks, it�s this or bowling. Anyway, this is where I am going to expound on the previous topic, which was the differences between real and imagined (fantasized) sexual limitations. Those of you who are faint at heart may want to divert your eyes now. I have a very healthy fantasy life, which is the result of being married for nine years to a man who wasn�t interested in me and, now, from having a long distance relationship with a man who is. Sadly, both relationships have afforded me a lot (if not too much) time to myself. While I lie in bed wishing someone were next to me, all I have to do is imagine that they are. Of course, while I�m imagining that they are in bed next to me, I can just go ahead and imagine that, instinctively, they are going to do everything that I want them to do. When I want them to, how I want them to and, even sometimes, with whom I want them to. My fantasies are based on the moderate amount of porn I�ve seen, the extensive amount of erotica I�ve read and by keeping and open mind to the things that people suggest. I then take that information and test it during �me time.� Interestingly enough, I have found- more often than not- that I am less aroused by certain sexual situation, than I am by the actual feeling of surprise that that particular situation was even capable of arousing me. For instance (and this is but one slightly amusing example): from reading BDSM erotica, I have found myself stimulated by some of its aspects, like say, the use of ball gags. Now, I�m not really a fan of having a ball gag used on me. In fact, I�ve indulged a lover�s interest in using them in the past and I know for certain that I don�t care for it- AT ALL. Though I do agree with him, my reasoning differs from that of Christian�s. Christian contends that they remind him of clown noses and that it�s just too hard to take the experience seriously when he expects to be able to look down at his lover�s feet and see a big pair of floppy shoes- perhaps, a bicycle horn in her hand. It�s my contention that they make your jaw ache and, generally, just aren�t very comfortable. And let�s face it, if discomfort were by bag, I�d endeavor to have sex in more compact cars. Still, here�s the thing: though I can remember only one time when I was visually stimulated by the act, when I read about it, I become quite aroused. I assume the appealing characteristic is the person�s inability to say no, which is attractive in thought but not in practice. Clearly, if things started spiraling out of control and my boundaries were being crossed, I would definitely want to be able to say something! Besides, who�s going to understand your safe word when you�ve got a ball in your mouth? �Mmph, mmph, mmph!� �What, honey? Did you say you were really enjoying this?� �MMPH MM MM MMPH MMPH MMPH!!� Am I being too analytical about the whole thing? Should I just go with the flow and stop turning something enjoyable into a science fair project? Perhaps. It�s just so damned easy for me to convince myself that I�m doing all the right things, only to find out (sometimes years later) that it was for al the wrong reasons. It�s taken me years, but I�m finally more comfortable with my sexuality than almost anyone I know. And that comes from analyzing and understanding what my boundaries are and what they should be. I don�t want my interest in being bound during sex to be the echo of my inability to stop the molestation I endured as a little girl. Know what I mean? Let me know what your take is. Oh, and if I didn�t already have enough things to consider and be concerned about, my sister�s boyfriend and she (out of some deluded effort to please) came on to me this weekend wanting to know if I were interested in a three-way. Ewwwwwwwwwwe!! See, people!? Do you see what I�m up against? 2:22 p.m. - 2003-01-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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