winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary

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Correspondence Montage for Andy

My dearest Lady Merryweather,

Do you remember that I told you how molly and I collected handfuls of spent cartridge cases while out on a walk on the heath? I use them to mark out the rows of seeds in my vegetable garden.
Last night, when I inspected the progress of my iceberg and Lola rosso lettuces, I noticed that one cartridge case was completely missing while another two had been removed from the soil and dropped onto their side.
Curious thought I.
This morning, while eating breakfast cereal and looking out of the kitchen window I spied a magpie, clearly in love with my shiny bright brass cases, moist with dew and glinting temptingly in the early morning sun. The cheeky blighter was attempting to peck at them through my protective screen of chicken wire!
Well, how do you like them apples/cartridge cases?

Dearest Andy,
Did you shoot said magpie? Will you be having magpie pie for dinner?
Ever yours, Merryweather


How dare you!
1) I do not own a gun
2) Apart from one or two times in my impressionable youth, I would never ever shoot anything other than a target (or beer bottles lined up on the fence outside my trailer - when I�ve had a belly full) I can't even swat a wasp (flies & mosquitoes yes)
Ain't you never seen the film The Deer Hunter? Well, I�m the Robert de Nero character right at the end (even though, of course, I look much more like Chris Walken)
-Andy
I seriously doubted that you would attempt to shoot the poor thieving thing. I just thought that the idea of a magpie pie was funny.


Yes, I liked the idea, too, and cursed myself for not mentioning it when I dispatched my reply- but it WAS first thing in the morning.

Oh, well then you couldn't possibly be expected to be on top of your game. I mean, you hadn't even had time to spill your coffee on your computer's keyboard by that time, had you?


Why, you seem to have recovered your senses pretty quickly! I�ve a good mind to teach you a lesson.

Really now? And what kind of lesson might that be???? I'm all ears and palms.


And palms? How so?

It was, once, customary for a teacher to teach a student a lesson by swatting the palms of student�s hands with a ruler. This is before we decided that it would much more humane to swat their bottoms with three foot long, one inch thick paddles.


Oh yes, we used to do that here, but used bamboo canes. Which is your preference?

Personally or when I was in school????
Personally

Why, you are a tart, aren�t you??? Honestly, anything that applies a good sting works for me. Yep, I�m that girl. I admit it.
So, you aren't really getting yourself a car are you? You, who hate all that is driving and automotive???


My friend Kurt likes buying land rovers and range rovers for off road pursuits. Next month he is to become a father for the first time, so, at his wife's behest, he has invested in a sensible 'family car' Land rover Discovery. It has a 4 litre engine and it costs almost exactly �100 ($179
Yankee) to fill the tank with petrol.
Since he bought it, he has driven 600 miles and spent �200 on petrol.
Our VW's engine is 3 times smaller, it costs about �20 to fill with petrol and on a run will do about 35/40 miles per gallon...
I am a poor man with mounting debts...But yes, I am seriously thinking about buying one - you know me, I just LOVE cars and, well, I am 44 and a midlife crisis must surely be due, and I have seen this really cute blaze red Bulgemobile Suicide V8i with two stage turbo and nitrous oxide booster thrust. Only trouble is, it has an automatic gear box and I have only ever driven cars with a manual gear box, so I would need further instruction from the vendor before wheel spinning into the sunset.
Like my mate John who, when recently graduated, got a job renting out high class cars from under the railway arches in Vauxhall (London) On his first day he had to deliver a Daimler to a customer but it had an automatic gear box and he ain't never driven one and he sticks it straight into reverse (apparently it's real easy to do) and it smashes into the Mercedes behind him, which in turn smashes into the Jaguar behind, which shunted the Porsche and oh dear! What a laugh. He got to keep his job though and used to bring motors home on a night and on summer evenings we would cruise around London trying to pull birds. I remember we once pulled up outside a pub and when we got out, overheard some (obviously jealous) geezers sitting at a table say,
"How can those wankers afford a car like that?"
It didn't seem to impress the ladies either. Go figure

�� You know me, I just LOVE cars.� Oh, now I know you must be joking.
"Pulling birds" .... I like that phrase. Have made a note to use it somewhere, some how.
I like, taking a queue from your lot, to refer to girls as �chicks" and "birds". They almost always get the 'chick' reference but you should see the look on their faces as they try to make out what I mean by 'bird". It goes hand in hand with my amusement at using words like "exacerbate" and "superfluous." There's almost always a quick tilt of the head toward their shoulder as if letting all their thoughts settle at the lower-most portion of their brain might help them make sense of it.
American girls dig guys with cars. They do. Oklahoma girls, however, seriously dig guys with trucks. I, myself, hate driving but have always liked having something sensible but unique- something with character.


Like a pogo stick?

Yes. Yes. Almost EXACTLY like a pogo stick. Something that says we will most definitely HAVE to sit close together.


We get confused over your use of Fanny and bum. I remember Alistair Cook said that he was met with silent surprise when he told Americans that when he first went to his English public school (which was indeed private) as a
13 year old, he had to be a 'fag' for an 18 year old for the whole of the first year.

"Fanny" is seldom used by anyone under the age of 60 and, very seldom in any place other than the southern states. Oh, wait, that's a lie. Men between the ages of 45 and 60 who like to imagine that they are as active as they were when they were 18 and 30 also use the word "fanny"- coupled with the word "pack" to refer to that man-purse they sinch around their waists on outings. And, just so you know, when referring to a "bum," we usually mean that disheveled man in the second-hand coat, who is currently wiping the remains of his cheap liquor from him unruly beard.
I can also tell you, with quite a bit of certainty, that any American boy ( in either public or private school) who finds himself another boy's "fag" finds himself in a very different situation than your Englanders.


No, I don't think that they do...
And yes, we howled with mirth this side of the Atlantic when first we heard you guys refer to a 'fanny pack'
We call them 'bum bags' which probably has you guys howling with mirth

Bum bags? That reminds me of one of our more affectionate terms-stateside- "fag-hags". Only slightly different than bum bags, I think.


Yes, we use fag hags too - I think it's an American import

My very dearest Merryweather,

Just a quickie to say that I loved talking to you [this morning]- sorry that I woke you up and even sorrier that I talked so much drivel. I only hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me.
South eastern Oklahoma after 8 sounds like a riot
But then, you must remember it is a brand new state! And brand new states, need to treat you great! Why, they�re gonna give you barley, carrots and pertaters, pasture fer the cattle, spinach and temayters! Flowers on the prairie where the June bugs zoom, - there's plen'y of air and plen'y of room, plen'y of room to swing a rope! (Do you still allow lynchings?)
Plen'y of heart and plen'y of hope.
And did you know that the wind comes sweepin' down the plain, and the wavin'
wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain?
But please tell me Heather, do you often say 'Yeeow! A-yip-i-o-ee ay!'?
if so, I�d very much like to hear it. I simply love the way you say 'turnip'
and 'Thursday'

I very seldom find myself yelping "yehaw", " Yeeow! A-yip-i-o-ee ay!', or any other fond Southern Exaltations (unless in jest.) I will admit that on long road trips where we are given to bursting out in song, "Oklahoma" is a favorite- if only because it's amusing to find out how many people think they know the words only to find that they now derivatives.


Am I correct in assuming that during said road trips, you are indeed traveling in a Surrey with a fringe on top?

Absolutely. And you should see how those chicks and ducks and geese start to scurry. Man, it's a sight.


Heather,

I don't want to persist too much (because I could tell that you are no big fan of Huckleberry Hound,) but his first season of programmes has just been aired over here on BBC1 and taken the nation by storm. In Autumn they're going to be showing this great new show from the states, called Bewitched and stars a really cute girl called Tabitha who does this really cute thing with her nose - simply can't wait!
Do you love Lucy?Golly Gosh, I do!
A quick Google informs me that the episode of Huck to which I referred was called 'Skeeter Trouble' and was #14 in the first season and went out stateside on the day my big sister Pippa was born, namely January 1, 1959.
The hapless mutt goes camping but soon finds himself in all kinds of bother with some very persistent mosquitoes with hilarious results.

<>

As I said earlier this morning and before I knew of your insect infestation, I am more than happy to kill the little buggers. My father however, loved mosquitoes, (the de Havilland balsa wood fighter/bomber variety, which flew as fast as a fighter but could carry the same payload as an early B-17 flying fortress, but I�m beginning to sound very nerdy aren't I? - so I�ll stop.
Pic attached, taken just after WW2, with my old man circled

Rgds Andrew

Ah yes. Mock all you like about the little blood suckers but it's no fun spending what should be restful hours swatting at yourself and waking to quite painful bursts of itching. As I said this morning, my only recourse has been to sleep with the sheet over my head for protection. I'm seriously considering leaving a bowl of blood on the bed-side table as a peace offering. What do you think?
I�ll wager that your "Pa" would be the gentleman that is standing head and shoulders above the group around him, yes? I like that picture. I have it in mind to use it somewhere, too.
Yes, as you can tell, I have very little by way of a unique thought this morning and will be stealing your inspiration as the day proceeds.


"Swatting myself." Is that the Americano term for wanking? As for quite painful bursts of itching, might I suggest that you wash your hands beforehand? Especially if you have been, say, chopping chilies.

Keep it up mister. Spend just ONE summer in Southeastern Oklahoma and you will never mistake what "swatting at yourself" means, again.

12:40 p.m. - June 21, 2006

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