winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary

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2006, here we come

Warning: there are only 521, 362 minutes left in the year.

I realize that I should, probably, start this entry by reflecting on the trials and tribulations of the past year, detailing what I did to bring the New Year in and delineating my hopes for the year to come but, all of that is far less important than the fact that Sonya is now in labor. My little sister is in the beginning stages of giving birth to my niece, Madelynn Faith, and I am chomping at the bit in anticipation. The doctor has, kindly, sent her home to labor there as long as she can before returning to the hospital to give birth. I am just so excited. I�ll post all the appropriate information when I have it because I just know that each and everyone of you are just as excited about this development as I am.

Okay, okay� I�ll get back to the �New Years� entry. You are just so demanding! Sheesh!

The past year has been chronicled in as many melodramatic ways as I knew how to chronicle it, so I don�t really think that too much reflection is needed, here. I will admit that the year ended quite differently than I thought it would when I first walked into 2005 but, I guess, in the end, it�s the surprises in life that make it worth living, huh? The highlights of the past year are this: I have, yet again, continued in the cycle of nursing broken hearts brought on by less-than-rational decision making; I have missed my Nana, exceedingly; I have missed others who needn�t have been missed had I been a little less-filled with pride; I have made great strides- professionally, physically and emotionally; I have earned a little more of my own respect by growing up and facing the world, bravely alone, and, though I am more of what I have hoped I could be as a partner, I am not, at this point a partner to anyone.

I think that the most significant- most consistent and reliable- relationship I have had this past year has been with Andy. Though our phone conversations are neither lengthy nor frequent (We are on different continents, for chrissakes) we talk almost daily and I find it refreshing to be able to be as open and honest as I am with him. I miss that. I remember how nice it felt with Christian and it feels good to have someone around, again, who doesn�t make the truth into an argument. You�d be surprised how much I crave that. What�s even more refreshing is that I know his opinions and views don�t come from some biased place where what he wants for me is based on what he wants from me.

I have decided that I am going to start out this year with no expectations. None. I�m kind of glad that I start it out, alone. It makes be feel like I do have a clean slate- that every step I take forward, from here, belongs to me and isn�t some awkward misstep around someone else. I learned some valuable lessons about relationships this past year. I�ve also come to realize that going into the past year with the �it�s all about me� attitude just hasn�t served me. It�s not who I am. It just isn�t. That attitude made me careless with other people and lost me quite a bit of self respect. This year, I�m going to try the �it�s all about WE� approach and see if I really have grown enough that I can stand behind it.
Yeah, that�s a little cheesy, I admit. It�s a rather hippy approach- �peace, man, and love your neighbor� and all that but if my conscience is going to be my only bed partner than I�d like to be able to sleep with it. I think, in the coming year, I�d just like to feel less foolish.
I asked Andy the other day, what kind of man he�d like to see me find� let me see, what was his answer? Oh, yeah, here it is.
�A kind, generous, intelligent, compassionate, funny sexy man who accepts you for who and what you are but doesn't exploit or take advantage of you nature.
Yeah, but what do you think my chances are of finding him?

�Good, but you must raise your sights and not settle for what's around at the time.
You�d laugh at how profound that seemed to me. Hell, I laughed at how profound that seemed. Can you imagine: waiting for Mr. Right instead of trying to find him in every man I see? Amazing!
I want this year to be one of taking chances and of experiencing things. That would be nice. Are you at all like me in that you find time slips away from you? You start your Mondays thinking, �Only four more days until Friday�. But then, before you know it, Friday is actually here. And so is Saturday. And Sunday is spent preparing to return to the office? And that weekend, that you waited and longed for, slipped past you like the five days before it� or the twelve days before that� or the month or the season or the year, and you look around and wonder where all the time went and what kind of memories do you have to show for it? I don�t want to usher in 2007 the same way I ushered in 2006- asking myself what I had done with all that time. I officially have 521,313 minutes left in this year and unless I make some changes, the next New Years Eve will prove to be just as sad and pathetic as this one. And I can�t blame that on anyone but me.
You should see the sky, by the way. It�s so pretty. (god, I�m such a gushy girl). Really though, the softest of grays and pinks are melting into the powder blue of the horizon. I know that when I step outside, it�s going to be nippy and cold and what I am really going to want to do is rush inside my house and curl up on the couch and watch TV. What I am going to do, however, is go for a long bike ride, on this cold, pretty, early evening and then go to my sister�s house, sit with her and drink a cup of Camomile tea and talk and walk and work away the minutes it�s going to take for her to give birth to my niece. And I will have the first of hundreds of thousands of minutes that won�t have been wasted this year.

5:40 p.m. - January 03, 2006

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