winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Congratulations. Let's Here it for the Boy!!! Let's give the boy a hand!!! Wow, it just get's better all the time, doesn't it? It's 4:00 a.m. and I'm at work. Not only am I at work but I rode my bike. Not only that but I got here over an hour ago. What possessed me? Did I sit up all night doing lines of coke or crank? (do they do lines of crank?) Do I really love my bike that much? Am I really that dedicated to my job? The answer to each: NO. Not just "no" but a resounding NO! I left work late- which was fine. I had work to do. I went to my sister's house who has just been diagnosed as having an aneurism [n. A localized, pathological, blood-filled dilatation of a blood vessel caused by a disease or weakening of the vessel's wall.] They have given her medication. It's being carefully monitored and, if the fluid doesn't decrease, we will discuss surgery options. She's scared and I've been at her house for the last two nights. We passed the time watching a movie, Stage Beauty (again) as she had not seen it and I thought that she might like it. When it was over I returned home at about 1:00 a.m.. To calls from Shannon. Cryptic calls. Calls I didn't really want explanations for but couldn't avoid getting. Shannon is going to be a father. Yay, him. Excellent. Wonderful. I cried until 2:00. Shamefully. Maybe shamelessly, I don't know. It hurt. It hurt in a way I didn't think that he was still able to hurt me. And, BOY, did it hurt...DOES it hurt, rather. I thought that taking a shower would help. Then I thought going for a bike ride would help. Then I just decided, while I was riding at 3:00 in the morning, I might as well just pack my backpack and go to work. Which is what I did. Oh, and for those of you who are holding the "I told you so's" on your tongue right now just waiting to spill them, you can just spill them elsewhere because I'm telling you right now, I won't be able to take it, today. Mock me and my stupidity all you will (as many of you have) and do it till I die, if you must but save it right now. Right now, I can barely breath. Right now, my hands are trembling so bad that I can hardly type. Right now I want to hyperventilate and throw up- which is the first thing I did when I hung up the phone this morning. Every single person here has loved someone foolishly- I am no exception. And playing the fool doesn't make this pain any more laughable. I loved this man. I loved him and hoped for him. And I, like in other relationships in the past, tore myself to shreds, emotionally, because I could not give him a child. All of this sounds stupid and trite- well if you want witty and funny and cheeky, go check out some of the other people on my buddy list. Each and everyone of them are talented writers. Right now, I'm stupid and trite and hurt and angry. I hate and resent and mourne and ache and fuck any of you who want to shove it in my face. You know what, maybe I DO deserve this. Maybe it's karma coming back around for not leaving Shannon in the very beginning and giving someone a chance who could actually love me back. Maybe it's my punishment for not trying hard enough to make my marriage work. Maybe this is my lesson for not saying "no" enough. But you know what? I don't really fucking care. I just need this to stop hurting. I need... ...something. 4:37 a.m. - October 14, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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