winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A kiss is just a kiss I�m at work, this promisingly bright Tuesday morning, before the dew has lifted from our nicely mown lawn. And it smells fresh outside- the way a bright, hopeful summer morning should. I�m pensive today. Don�t really know why but I keep finding myself lost in thought- having to redirect myself back to my tasks. I�m a bitter hag. Really. Some days are better than others, but most of the time, I�m just angry. I wish that the answers were as simple as just going back to when I was last happy. I do. I wish that I didn�t want, so much, all the things that are just completely wrong for me. I wish that, behind every kiss, there wasn�t a voice in my head saying, �God Fucking Damn It. If you hurt me, I swear to God, I�ll� I�ll� oh, forget it, just stop kissing me.� That�s good on the dating scene, let me tell ya. Go for my first teaching interview on Thursday. That doesn�t help. It should, I guess and it probably will once it�s over but until then, it doesn�t make the sick feeling go away. I need to get more sleep. (Note to self: GO TO FUCKING BED!!!) I just don�t work as well on four hours of sleep as I used to. I�m getting old. Christian asked me, this morning, if I was as happy with Shannon as I was with him. Wow. What a question. It�s funny, you know, how different those two, intense relationships were. It�s not really fair to compare them, but since I am, here are some of the major differences: I was In-Love in one and I loved passionately in the other. Shannon and I are better friends than Christian and I are. But at the same time, it�s easier to be honest with Christian than it is with Shannon- only partly because Shannon doesn�t like the truth. And to be fair, Christian and I didn�t have the day to day grind to build the friendship and camaraderie that Shannon and I did. When I was with Shannon and his friends, I was one of the guys. When I was with Christian and his friends I was his girl. Both were passionate lovers- the force that drove them were extreme opposites. When Christian kissed me, I melted. I felt wrapped in love. When Shannon kissed me, I surrendered and felt completely in his power. Wow. So different. I don�t know that I ever thought of the differences in those terms before. Hm. Both hurt more than I care to describe. Both left me bitter. Both left me doubting myself. Both changed my life. EEESH!! Too much to think about. The day is getting hazy. Perhaps the weatherman was right. Perhaps it will rain, after all. 9:51 a.m. - July 12, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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