winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Memorable Memorial Day Four days. Could four days be any more miserable if they tried? Holiday, my ass! Went camping- which I was hesitant about anyway and it rained the two days we were out there, which wouldn't have been so bad if it didn't force about twenty people to take shelter under one ten by ten foot tarp. Oh and if the wood being used to warm us weren't green, so that when it burned it caused stinging smoke to burn our eyes. Oh yeah, and if two of the occupants of said encampment weren't loud, foul-mouthed drunken teen age girls whose overuse of the word "fuck" and various descriptions of sexual acts I've not even heard of rose to impressive levels. Oh yeah, and there was the inability to get to my car so that I could leave. That was fun. As was the leaking tent during the terrential rain storm. And this would have been so much easier to bear if absolutely EVERYONE around me weren't sloshing drunk. Now, stick with me. I've gotten soused before. I've gotten so drunk, in fact, that I once held a pretty lengthy conversation with the toilet bowl in which I was vomitting. I'm not beyond it. But this was never ending. It was like camping with my mother and sister (the paranoid alcoholic) only these campers were alternately jubilant and hostile. I was, in fact, only going to stay out there the one night but after calling the house and arguing, senselessly, with Shannon I stayed the second night under duress. See, on the second night, there came, in the later hours, an opportunity to escape. I knew that the window of opportunity was small and in the midst of my stubborn hesitation the window closed and before I knew it, I was there whether I wanted to be or not. When I returned the silence between he (Shannon) and I was deafening. Oh how I love that. When we finally breached the silence, it was determined that the best thing was for him to move out. Oh, YAY! People all around me are celebrating. Hooray. He's gone. His evil reign is over. I am not one of those people. As it is, I am more sad than I can say that it feels like I've lost him. "Great! Excellent," Many of you will be thinking. "He's a spoiled, selfish boy and though it will hurt now, you're better off without him being there." (I happen to know that this is what some of you might say as a few people already have.) But I loved the boy as much as I could-neither of us being willing to let each other in too far. And I liked the boy- despite the best of advice. He's been my friend. He's been my lover. He's been beside me when my heart broke. I was there when his did. He's helped me through some really rough times. And I hate this. I hate this feeling. I hate being able to rationalize the soundness of the decision and feeling this way, in spite of it. Adding to that, he carried his part of the financial burden. With David leaving it placed a heavier load and both of us and now that Shannon is leaving I'm overwhelmed. I'm scared. I have to drive to Dallas on Wednesday for training on Thursday and, to be frank, I do not want to go. I don't want to make this drive alone. I don't want to stay in Dallas alone. I don't want to return to the house alone. There's something so unhealthy about two people not being alone together but I'm an unhealthy person. I have unhealthy needs. On the brighter side, my sister The Catholic is going to have another baby. I am more excited than I can say. I been bugging her for some time now about making me an aunt again and I finally have that. Hope your Memorial Day was better than mine. 9:15 a.m. - May 31, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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