winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary

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Notes from a fat girl

OKAY! THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! ...I MEAN IT !!! (Note the use of extra exclamation points.)

I know I've been saying that I need to lose weight. I know I've been saying that I've been trying. But the truth is, I haven't. I've half-heartedly eaten small meals and snacked on fruit, but then I'll sneak in things like snickers bars or cookies or cans of soda pop. (Yeah, I called it soda pop, wanna make something of it?) And, sure, those in moderation won't ruin anyone but, damn it all, they are ruining me. I've never been this out of shape. I've never had so little energy. This isn't me. This isn't my body. Andrew is right, what I eat is okay but it could be better. I hardly ever exercise any more. I know that I created a schedule that limited my ability to be health-conscious but I don't have that schedule any more. And even when I did, I should have thought about the eating on the run and then the not running at all. I should have made better choices. Well, damn it, I"m making them right now.
Laugh. Laugh at another fat girl stomping her foot and saying that she's not going to be fat any more. Laugh all you want. Snicker and make your little bets about how long this attempt will last. I don't care. What good does it do me to endeavor to make my life better by doing one thing and then to make it equally worse in another area? It doesn't make sense. Either all of me moves forward or none of me does. Either I get my life back and my body or this fat girl dies on her bed next to the pictures of her grandmother and great-grandmother who did it before her.
There.

10:41 p.m. - February 05, 2005

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