winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2004 List Part I Okay, boys and girls, here it is. (Well, here's PART of it.) I now present to you THE LIST of 2004. For those of you new to this ride I offer only a few cautions. First, keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times. Second, wait until the ride has come to a full and complete stop before attempting to exit the ride and, finally, accept this for what it is: MY self examination. The things that make it on this list are possibly flawed, possibly colored and possibly inaccurate but what they, mostly, are are my perceptions of myself. To some this seems self indulgent. To others this list seems petty and a waste of time. But I've made this list for years and if it serves to tell YOU nothing about me, know that it tells ME so much more. Okay, so in no particular order, here it is: 1. I like red finger nail polish. Fire engine red. Deep, blood red. Even a sultry brick red. I don't care- as long as it's red. 2. I've made two appointments to get my hair cut to something lighter and more professional, but have backed out of each appointment. 3. I like my hair long. I just do. 4. I've finally come to a point where I like my curly hair. 5. My daughter looks exactly like me when I was her age. 6. I don't eat as well as I should. 7. My sex drive is the lowest Ican ever remember it being. 8. 95% of my sexual fantasies involve women. 9. I miss the way women feel. 10. (That being said) I don't miss it enough to have one close to me again. 11. My sexual fantasies don't fulfill me the way that they used to. 12. I miss being a sexual animal. 13. I could eat an entire tub of Rocky Road ice cream, right now. 14. I need to drink more water. 15. Fuck the ATKINS diet. 16. My friends, in the past, have said that I am self destructive and I finally think that they might be right. 17. There are parts of me that still want to be a ballerina. 18. I miss having faith that God exists. 19. I've been spending my free time practicing my Sign Language. 20. If I can get my signing skills back up to a comfortable level, I am thinking thatI might register to be a local interpreter. 21. I babble when I'm uncomfortable. 22. I love good conversation. 23. I love a good cup of hot tea in the morning. 24. I had a Mango tea for dinner the other night that was so good that I almost made myself sick drinking so much of it. 25. I don't, typically, like cold tea. 26. I abhor coffee. 27. I have tried drinking flavored coffees but haven't been able to find anything that masks the taste of the coffee enought to make it drinkable. 28. Several (reliable) sources have suggested the RayRay the Clown might just be the nicest guy in my life and, right now (after the obligatory defensive behavior) I had to admit it's truth. 29. With that in mind, there's still too much water under our burned bridges to consider reconciling with him. 30. I love the rain. 31. I don't hate the snow, but it's somewhere close to that. The truth is, I like the snow for about twenty minutes and then I want it gone. 32. I keep a heater under my desk and I keep it going all year round. 33. I think that, given the chance (more than anything else) I'd like to see Ireland and Italy. 34. Shannon says that I have horrible taste in shoes and, I admit, it makes me more conscientious than it should. 35. I could eat an entire box of S'Mores Poptarts. (I wouldn't, but I could.) 36. Rather than get into a political argument that I knew would go nowhere, a couple of weeks ago I passively agreed with someone who was knocking John Kerry. It was an incident that lasted all of five, maybe ten, seconds and it's bothered me ever since. 37. I use the word "um" too much. 38. According to Shannon, I also over use the phrases "I'm not kidding" (Sometimes substituted for the phrase "I'm serious") and "Go Figure." ...Hm. Go figure. 39. When I gamble, I will onl y play one hand past a big winning hand before I walk away and I will only ply four losing hands before I pick up and go on. 40 I love yawning. Love it. I love the stretching and the all-consuming way that it takes over my body. 41. On the other hand, I hate sneezing. 42. Equal to sneezing, I abhor having an itchy nose. 43. I don't know why but sometimes I'm ticklish and sometimes I'm not and the locations tend to change. 44. I think that I've become a rather decent Hold'Em player. 45. I'm worried that my brother-in-law, Richie, won't live out the year. 46. I worry for my sister, the Catholic. I worry that, no matter how much she tries to prepare, that this is going to break her. 47. I find myself not knowing how to support my sister, the mother hen, in her efforts to raise our niece's daughter. The task consumes her and makes her more contolling than ever before. 48. I think that I enjoy the "idea" of spending time with all of my sisters together about 80% more than I enjoy the reality of it. 49. I miss my brother, Scott. 50. It's been so long since I've seen or talked to him that it's hard to comprehend the reality of him. 51. I wonder, if he were right here right now, how hard it would be to have a relationship with him. 52. I write a letter to my brother about once a month. 53. I haven't ACTUALLY sent him a letter in over two years. 54. I keep the letters that I write to him in a box that I keep saying I will send to him. 55. My son looks just like my brother. 56. I'm always taken aback when I, thoughtlessly, call my son "Scott". 57. I don't really like canadian bacon and pineapple pizza. 58. I like the word, "flibbertyjibbit." 59. I'd hate thinking that people thought that I was one. 60. I wear too much black. 61. I own five different Scrabble games: The one I bought in college and used to play with my friends (which still owns the lone tile that's been painted white and renamed an "E" for convenience sake- I guess; The one that belonged to my grandmother that she had when I was a little girl; The deluxe Edition that I bought for myself on the spur of the moment because I felt I deserved it; Super Scrabble that Shannon and I bought in the city and a travel Scrabble that Shannon bought for me before he moved to Norman. 62. For my birthday, my children bought me one of those tubes that rock back and forth on a pedastal so that the water and oil inside look like an ocean. I find myself mesmerized by it. 63. I hate fishing. 64. I love ice skating. 65. I love roller skating. 66. After taking my children to the skaing rink, I realize that it's a lost form of amusement. 67. I want to write a book. ONE good book. One book that just one person could pick up and fall into. 68. The only problem is, I'm not that great a writer. 69. I keep too many secrets. 70. I sit with one leg underneath of my way too much. 71. I love bubble baths. 72. I love sipping a great wine. 73. I love moving over to the cooler side of the sheets periodically during the night. 74. Whether alone of with someone, I always sleep on the right side of the bed. 75. If I had to pick my one perfect day, it would be the day that I went to California and saw Christian, again, after all those years. Have you ever had a day where absolutely nothing could ruin it? Well, I have. 76. I'm mean and hateful and spiteful when I'm hurting and it takes my entire self to just not be the worst person I know when it happens. 77. I like my sense of humor. 78. Very few people get my sense of humor. 79. My Mother and I admitted to each other this past year that we both realize that- should either one of us die- that we'd mourne for the relationship that we didn't have rather than the one that we were losing. 80. As morbid a thought as it might be, it's ten times more sad. To both of us. 81. I wish, childishly, that I had a mother that I could go to when I feel lost. 82. 85% of the time, when I feel lost, I go to Charles for advice. 83. I miss being able to go to Christian. 84. It's hard to overcome the obvious frustration between us. Sometimes I FEEL that the solution is one desperate act away and other times I feel completely lost. 85. Perhaps I deserve it but I hate when he talks down to me. 86. No. I don't deserve it. 87. I'm tired of being penitant. 88. I get cold too easy. 89. I have spent most of this last year feeling desperate. 90. I have come to love and respect my children on a whole new level this year. 91. I've tried not to write too many things about them on this list fearing that this would become about the extensions of my life rather than my thoughts and feelings but the truth is, they consume me. 92. I always feared being a parent. 93. Who the hell am I kdding? Being a parent still scares the bejeezus out of me. 94. I constantly think that I make all the wrong decisions when it comes to them but then I see them and I feel a bit more assured that I can't possibly have done everything wrong or they wouldn't be so great. 95. I have to make a conscientious decision to be less emotional. 96. I eat licorice at movies instead of popcorn. 97. I love flying. 98. I love my car. 99. I love water balloon fights. 100. I hate wearing panties. 101. I like candles. 102. I hate ceiling fans. 103. I can't handle air blowing directly in my face. 104. I find it most easy to talk to Andrew, above any one else, lately. 105. I'm so tired. I need to go to bed. Well, that's Part I. I'll post part two tomorrow. Maybe it'll be a little less serious. I don't know. 9:47 p.m. - July 06, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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