winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Getting Back to the Basics. It has come to my attention that the whole point of clean slates is to start filling it with new and better information. And that's my intention. You know, here's the thing. I'm whiny. Or at least I was. (One or two of my friends- at least I hope they are, in fact, still my friends- might say that I still am, but I'm making a point to control that.) I whine (I know) about all the things that I can't control and, of course, I whine about how people complain about all the things that I can't control. I whine and make excuses for the things that go wrong- when, in fact, I basically control the things that go wrong. So I'm making some concerted efforts to change. Not just the whining but some other things over which I've lost control. And despite a few set backs, it really feels good. First and foremost, I am following a dear friend's lead and spending more time with my children. I spend time just watching them play, asking them questions and then really listening to them. I have been less attentive to their needs as I should have been, lately- focusing on being a greiving granddaughter rather than a supportive mother. And, well frankly, spending time with them, more than anything else, has been pulling me out of my funk. I should have tried it sooner. Jordan, for instance, really is so funny. Time around her paternal grandmother (a crazy, high strung southern woman who lives with RayRay) is having it's affect on her. I am trying to find a good way to discourage a budding case of hypochondria- but as her grandmother is always ailing from something, she's just joining the crowd. Her hair, where she decided about a year ago to chop portions of it off at the root, is finally growing out so that we can do the pretty little hair bows and braids and such again. I don't think I'd realized how much I've missed that until recently. I was afraid that I would have a tomboy on my hands because as both, a baby and a toddler, she was always so independant and rough and tumble. Where Justin had always been docile and laid back, Jordan was always willing to sock in the eye anyone offending her in anyway. Or, for reasons beyond any of us, kick some poor fellow in the shin. But she's come down from that, in these older wiser days as she approaches six. Now, she's all girl. She loves dresses and Barbies (who, interestingly enough end up without dresses) and Polly Pockets and horses and being held while you read to her- and I cherish that. I regret how many little moments I squandered with her, how many little secrets I've missed. So now I watch how she is coming into her own sense of grace and I listen as she sings complete songs with dead-on pitch and I appreciate that at this tender age she has already learned how to balance her sensativity and her independance. Justin is harder. At eight, he's no longer the child who wanted me to hold him all the time or was content just to know that I was in the same room. Now he's edging on the age where he needs me less- and in a sad, accepting way- wants me less. I see the way he needs me to step aside so that his friends can have more room. I see how he's learning to socialize in a bigger room than the one that I have always offered him. And as I watch him, I can't help but to be proud. He's kind without effort. He's accepting and understanding of everyone- no matter the injustice they've offered him. He likes robots and computers and Yu-gi-o(h?) cards and girls- girls that I only find out about as his friends chide him about it in the back seat of the car while going to get ice cream after school. But he takes it. He doesn't let his embarrassment get to him and try to belittle the revellers. He doesn't threaten to stop being their friends. He just smiles in that cute, embarrassed way and says, "Yeah, well, she's cute and she draws a better robot than me." And he's strong. He's strong in a way that impresses me. If he's afraid to take responsibility for his actions, he's good at not showing it and too often I find myself stunned by his simplistic understanding of life. Despite my many faults, I can see in my children a few things that I've done right. But, moreso, I can see in them quite a few lessons I could stand to learn for myself. So, this clean slate is me getting back to the basics and doing the things I know I should do. Spending time with the people that I should spend time with. Maybe soon, I'll figure out what kind of person I want to be when I grow up. 10:44 a.m. - 2004-05-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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