winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rose Colored Glasses From my friend's perspective: (After a lengthy discussion about why another of my friends almost got arrested, last night- more on that later- this is what my friend, Tyler, had to say about my attitude, lately.)... aurican80: so I know someone did end up going to jail HeatherOKExpress: Brian got arrested but they let him go into our "protective" custody. aurican80: legal issues and the Hamiltons just seem to go hand in hand HeatherOKExpress: Yeah, well the last thing I needed after yesterday was seven cop cars at my house and a guy in my front yard in hand cuffs. aurican80: that's probably true, although I don't know what all happened yesterday, other than the car door slamming episode HeatherOKExpress: You know, I really tried yesterday. aurican80: I dunno. I just know when I left, all alone, EVERYONE seemed mad aurican80: I drove to my mothers just to get away aurican80: if I could drag you two into the backroom by your ears and make you get WHATEVER is between you out in the middle, I would aurican80: I guess it is easier to try to avoid and make problems go away than face them. Hell, its worked for me all my life, and look where I'm at aurican80: oh wait, I'm a complete loser over that crap HeatherOKExpress: So now I get an email from LaWanda wanting to discuss my attitude. Excellent. HeatherOKExpress: YEAH, not a happy camper, here. aurican80: no, really I suspect you're not, but neither is anyone else in the office HeatherOKExpress: Yeah, I know. And I know it's my fault. aurican80: Heather, I love you to death, but you're not trying. HeatherOKExpress: I tried swallowing it and keeping my feelings to myself but that didn't suffice for anyone. aurican80: chickadee, you weren't too successful at keeping those feelings to yourself aurican80: it's been palpable aurican80: you don't actually SAY anything, but it's felt aurican80: I'm AFRAID to sit down in front of you up there aurican80: the most I can hope for is a weak faked smile, and when anyone addresses you, you are cold aurican80: or resigned aurican80: and both just don't fit you aurican80: you are BETTER than that aurican80: and you know, you're probably going to get mad at me now, but you need to know it aurican80: how you're acting now is BENEATH you aurican80: you are an amazing person aurican80: that self-pity stuff is unbecoming. Damnit Heather. Be the person I know you are aurican80: Please HeatherOKExpress: Well God damnit aurican80: there, if it takes you getting mad at me HeatherOKExpress: I give up. aurican80: you already had before we had this conversation HeatherOKExpress: Tyler, what do you want me to do? aurican80: I want you to be you aurican80: the Heather who is one of my best friends aurican80: not the one that everyone gives a 50ft wide berth to because she's either cold and distant or volatile and distant Man. That's rough. It's a rough thing to hear the truth from a friend. From an enemy? Sure. You can just punch them in the jaw and let the police sort it out. From a friend there's no punching. There's really not even any sensible walking away. There's just an opportunity to see things from thier perspective. To see yourself without all of your biased notions. To be quite honest, I'm not sure I like it. In fact, this all started with me having to see myself from Brad's perspective as he relayed it to my Regional Manager in a yearly review I found... god, what's the word? Unfair? I don't really like that word but for lack of a better one, that's where I'll settle it. It was more unfair to receive such a review from a person whom I've spent the year covering for while he took two hour gym breaks and losing papers beneath stacks of underworked piles. But there it was. I sat in front of this woman who assesses us, most of the time by numbers, but whose only personal interpretation of my abilities is what she hears from Brad. And she heard Brad tell her that he felt I didn't have a sense of urgency when it came to filling jobs. (In other words, I don't work hard or fast enough.) (I'm going to take a moment to count to ten now because hearing that still ruffles my feathers a little.) So, okay. I walk into the review knowing what I've done to build this company this year and I walked out having heard how I'd not done enough. So, yeah, it set me back. I was in a horrible, shitty mood. Then Nana got sick and I had even less tolerance than I had had before. Then Nana died and, well, let's face it, I'm not that pleasant to be around when I'm hurting. And I know it. But, now, to be shaken by my friend, that's harder than hearing Brad lessen my value with our company just to improve his. It's harder because I respect my friend's thoughts more. Brad is a snob. He was and always will be one of those people who believes that only certain people DESERVE good jobs. I know that about him. I always have. Tyler? Well, that's just different. Of course I do keep in mind that his perspective is also biased as the person receiving the brunt of my disdain is his girlfriend and he feels like he's in the middle but I still respect his view point. Enough, anyway, to consider what I can do to be less... what was the word? Cold? Distant? Yeah, I think that was it. 11:28 a.m. - 2004-05-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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