winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy Old Year, Everyone HAPPY OLD YEAR!!!Well, no it wasn�t, really. In fact, it was one of the hardest, meanest years of my life. My dreams of California turned into a nightmare. I spent the early portion of the year consumed by fear and the latter portion consumed with guilt and anger. I was forced to make no-win decisions and suffer the ridicule of the few people I have ever really respected. I had my heart broken to the point that it made me physically ill and I didn�t believe that I�d ever get over the bitterness. I�ve had a tumultuous relationship with my children and have labored over the guilt that I�ve damaged the dearest relationships that I�ll ever have. I was mean and horrid to my family, taking my pain and anger out on them and I was spiteful and vindictive- eager to stab anyone with scornful thoughts and wishes. I�ve said things that I can�t take back and I�ve done things that I can�t undo- though I, honestly, wish otherwise. You can only imagine that I would be eager for a year like this to end. On the other hand, there were some moments that made such a year redeemable. First, though tortured as it was, I learned the full extent of my love for Christian- past the giggly talks and the butterflies. It wasn�t pretty. It wasn�t all sunshine and roses and, by god, most of the time it was just down-right painful but I learned it, all the same. And I guess you�d ask what would make that a redeeming quality and my only answer is that I didn�t know I could love like that before. At the same time that I hated the broken heart, I felt grateful that I finally threw caution to the wind and loved someone heart and soul. I found a kind of love that I couldn�t walk away from even if I couldn�t move closer to it. Sure, I�ll play a little safer in the future, but I learned how valuable a love like that can be. This year was a stand out year for me in the friendship department, whether I deserved it or not. It�s been my habit, when developing friendships to make friends with my friend�s friends or my family�s friends, rather than just making friends on my own. There are only two people with whom I�ve had lasting relationships that I developed without the influence of someone else. And, despite what courses we take in life and with whom we chose those courses, I know that I can always count on Casey and Christian to be there somewhere. I depend on that. Well, this year, I�ve made a few new friends. That may seem silly and common but for someone like me who knows a lot of people but doesn�t have a lot of friends, that means quite a bit. I can count the number of friends that I hold near and dear on one hand and that�s including the two newest ones to join that list: Shannon and Andrew. Shannon drives me completely crazy and he always seems in transit to�well, somewhere. Anywhere. He�s back from California as it seems that one really can spend too much time with one�s parents- one�s mother, in particular. Shannon�s relationship with his mother is a lot like mine: labored but filled with this latent, childish hope that is could be something more. So, he�s back in Oklahoma- the epicenter of his universe- again. It�s funny about Shannon, really. He frustrates the hell out of me. He�s the most unabashedly self-centered person I�ve ever met. He�s temperamental and fickle. His interests are intense and change like the wind. He�s strong-willed and, yet, curiously fragile. I understand him more than I�d like to admit because our approach of the world is more similar than I probably should admit. The thing that draws me to him is that we learn from each other so well. There seems an ever-constant exchange of ideas and facts and one of us is always listening intently to what the other has to say. On the unhealthy end of that spectrum, though, is his need to be taken care of and my unhealthy need to be overrun. Still, he�s witty and creative and loves to play games and with him, I always have someone with which to watch sports. What we are and what we become remains to be seen but I know that during a year that has been rough on me, he�s been there in the best way that he could be- and vice versa. Andrew, literally, is this new undiscovered country for me. I�ll admit my weakness for clever men with dry wits, I'll even admit my fondness for the British and thier quality of humor but Andrew really is all that and so much more. What started as exchanges of polite commentary over topics posted in this diary has developed into daily accounts of our trials and tribulations. If there�s anyone to blame for the lack of diary postings, it�s �well, it�s me, really but Andrew shares some of the blame, too. Every day he says something new to surprise me. Everyday, he intrigues me just a little more. Every morning I look for his email and read quickly so that I have enough time in my busy day to push the reply button and send him a response. But here�s the thing: in this new world of cyber-relations, there�s always this question of whether you�d like each other just as much in person as you do online, or through letter, or email. I don�t wonder about that with Andrew. He�s brutally honest and wonderfully flawed. He makes no pretense of perfection but, rather, lays his crimes on the table. It�s refreshing to find people who don�t see their children as an annoyance but, instead, love their every eccentricity. My relationship with my children being what it has been this year, it�s been nice to have someone like Andrew to alter my perceptions. He�s also helped me put into perspective things like my feelings for Christian, my feelings and actions towards my children, and has given me a greater view of the world. That and he�s powerfully funny. Especially after a few Guiness at lunch. Of the friends I acquired through others, I�ll only list one who�s made any kind of difference in my life, this year. Our friendship hasn�t always been what it should be but, in the end, he�s one of the few people who�s opinion I trust and, oddly enough, actively seek. Charles has been many things to me throughout the years- and not all of them have been good- but, in the end he�s been a real friend. I can�t say that our friendship has always made me proud but I can say that when it comes to getting the truth from someone, no matter how painful that truth might be, you can count on Charles. Our friendship and my trust in him has grown in the last couple of years but this year, when things got really tough, he was still there- despite the fact that he only became my friend because he was Christian�s friend first. And this year, he got married to a beautiful girl and I wish nothing but happiness for the both of them. Maybe there�s sunset nuptials in my future. Who knows. On the professional front, the hard work and perseverance paid off. This year, our office consistently met our financial goals, achieving more than our hoped-for 15% increase in GM over last year. Brad and I have worked hard to make our name known, not just in our serviceable area but among our other offices and look at us doing just that. Cancun, here we come! I don�t know when we will go but I�m going to start tanning now. I�m glad I�ve lost some weight and, if nothing else, this inspires me to lose some more. Every night when I�m running in this frigid weather I�ll be thinking of my week-long stay at the beach. Every morning while riding my bike, I�ll be thinking about how beautiful the sun looks setting over the ocean. Every crunch will bring me closer to that bikini� okay, so maybe not a bikini but I�ll definitely be in swimsuit form- you just wait and see. Funny thing is, I remember, last year at this time, wondering what we could do to top the year before. It seemed almost impossible to think that we would ever be able to meet the projected 15% increase but we did it, just like we did it the year before and like we will do it, again, in 2004. We�ll do it because we can and because it�s the just the kind of challenge that I need. I�ve considered returning to the classroom, either as a student to finish my masters or as a teacher, again. And, still that�s not out of the question. But, right now, I�m pretty happy in my career of choice. Let me see, what else? Oh, yeah. I moved from a small apartment to a house- which isn�t large but is more than what I really need. I own my own appliances. I have my own yard. And though those all come with their own responsibilities, I like where that puts me in life. It feels like I have a place to be. Like, I�m no longer in transit. It feels like I�m ready to settle down. I�ve been taking some time building some stability in my life. I�ve been creating my own path so that it�s strong and stable enough to let someone share it with me- maybe even for the long haul. Sure, I still have the same piece of shit car but, that too, should be a thing of the past, soon. Most of all, I�m trying to learn to be happy. I�m trying to be grateful because, you�ve read my journal entries, you know that �grateful� hasn�t been one of the emotions I�ve been good at this year. I won�t make a list of my New Year�s Resolutions just yet because I�m not sure what they are going to be, but I will add just this one: This year, I�m going to be happy. The Old Year was what it was and all I can do is learn from it. So raise your glasses everyone. HERE�S TO STARTING FRESH. 3:55 p.m. - 2003-12-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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