winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Sum of US "We are nothing if not the sum of the choices we make." MeFirst let me say that, boy, is it busy this time of year or what? This is our peak season and we find ourselves with a large number of companies needing seasonal help. Our office is doing better than it has ever done and we consistently top our region in profitability- almost assuring us this trip to Cancun. I�m very excited. There are those around me who want to complain about how much further I should be, by now (hell, I do it half the time). But I have to tell you, it feels pretty good to know that I came into a company that was not profitable and that, after a mere two years, we are competitive with the larger markets. And considering that it�s only Brad and I in the office and I work my ass off, I have to assume some of the credit and that�s being modest. So, it�s the end of the year and I�m feeling pretty good about myself. That�s not a bad way to end a year, I think. It looks like Shannon is going to come back to McAlester, the middle of this month. It doesn�t look like California was the place he wanted to be, after all- despite how much his mother wants him to be there. Oh how I wish I could say the same thing. But, here I am with a dilemma. He�s called and expressed and interest in our seeing each other when he returns. Having played around with the notion of putting a profile on Match.com or one of those online meet-n-greets, I will admit- I�m lonely. I don�t want to be alone. And, coming back here, I know that that is very large part of his motivation. Still, Shannon was certainly the best friend I was able to find, here. We get along well. I�d be lying if I said that I wasn�t attracted to him. But, to go forward with this puts me in a spot. First, I don�t want to prove Christian right. When things were ending with us, he said that he knew that we�d both eventually start seeing other people and that I would, more than likely, start seeing Shannon and that I would, just as likely, chronicle that in my journal. If, for no other reason than that, I�m leery. He�s always so damned right. I hate helping him make points- especially when they are against me. Second of all, what happens when we have to admit that we are just together to keep from being alone? I miss Christian. I�ve missed him with a vengeance, but what can I do? I�ve played with the notion of leaving my children with RayRay and chasing after the man that has the greatest chance of making me happy but neither of us would respect me for abandoning them. Most of all, his mother wouldn�t respect me and that would have a HUGE influence on him. I�ve resigned myself to living a tortured existence and proving how much I love him by pining for him for the rest of my life but, though that would do quite a bit for his ego, it would teach my children a horrible lesson- one I�d rather they not repeat. I don�t ever want to have to watch my children chastise themselves with melodramatic music and oaths of lonesome loyalty. But, at the same time, he has left big shoes to fill and every potential man is held in comparison and, frankly, fallen short. So, what do I do? It�s not like he would be able to face his friends- AGAIN- and admit that he�d like another go with me. So I either sit still or I move forward. At the very least, I have to make an attempt to be happy. I can see it being VERY easy falling into the role of the miserable curmudgeon and not being able to get out. All I know is that last year I was the happiest girl in the world. This year, I�m the loneliest. Is it my fault? Sure. But, it will also be my fault if I maintain that. So, I have choices to make. None of my family or friends are of any help. They�ve no idea of what advice to give. Instead, they just look at me and say things like, �Oh�.errrr�really? So�uh�what are you going to do?� And I guess you, like them, are just going to have to stick around to find out. Can someone, please, tell me why all my options feel like I'm running away from something? 4:06 p.m. - 2003-12-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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