winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- May I introduce you to... Spike. Universal Truth #92: You can't fool other people if you are busy fooling yourself.As per his request to obscure his identity, the journal reader formerly known as Andrew will now be referred to as Spike to protect the innocent. Now then. Andrew... er, Spike, and I have been discussing the choices that we make and the weight of those decisions. And, with his permission, I am going to chronicle some of our correspondence here. Spike wrote: "Last night my wife and I went for counselling. I said something flippant and she flipped out, totally losing her temper, donning her scarf and coat and storming out. I seem to have lost all my fight - instead of anger, I felt fear. I felt the energy drain from my limbs and I felt sick to my stomach." God, do I ever know how you feel. Not just because I thought that I was always right or that RayRay the Clown was an imbicile, but because I was able to carry most of the logic in any of our arguments, I should have been able to say, "Look, if you could stop acting like such and emotional idiot and listen to me, you would understand or agree with such-n-such." But, instead, he would counter with an anger I couldn't muster and it would feel like he'd won because I was just too afraid to fight. And I would lose to an idiot. I hated that. I never understood what I was so afraid of. With Christian, I was always afraid of the damage that could be done to my heart with one single disapproving word but I knew that in disagreements, things could always be discussed. Worked out. Sides were considered and we were both open to the possibility that the other could be right. Whereas arguing with Christian always held the possibility that we'd not see eye to eye and my heart could be broken, I preferred disagreements with him over ones with RayRay. I still don't fully understand what made me cower to a man I knew wasn't my intellectual equal. It's strange. ...More from Spike, "As regards to my new love, I have no more contact whatsoever with her. This is very difficult, I think of her all the time, especially as it's her birthday soon. But she always knew that my children were paramount in my life. I had never experienced the complete, all consuming 'nothing to hide behind' love that I have for them. I should come with a government health warning "This man looks normal but is not quite wired up properly" -I feel that I sacrificed her love to protect myself. (or my children, I'm not sure.) ...It would appear that I have a few problems with love. I crave to be loved, but once somebody does love me, I get frightened and push them away. She loved me with a passion and I have hurt her badly even though I did love her. I have an awful ability to close my mind to things. It is like a switch in my brain that I throw, to protect myself." I don't really know how to answer this as I should probably come with a similar warning. "Handle with care. Contents may self-destruct." Here's to hoping that we learn how to keep the things we love and to stop craving the things that hurt us. P.S. Received some beautiful pictures of Charles' Wedding Day (Evening.) You know, it's hard to go wrong with a wedding on a beach in the Cayman Islands. Advice from Sister Heather Merryweather: I wouldn't stick that in your mouth if I were you. 12:26 p.m. - 2003-11-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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