winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just a Note on Overcoming Obstacles (Anyone who read this earlier, sorry. Disregard it. This is what the entry should look like:) Give me a minute, boys and girls, so that I can tell you about the single scariest moment of my life. Almost five years ago, directly after the premature birth of my daughter, my doctor told me that my chances of carrying another child full-term were marginally around 30%. With that in mind, along with the fact that I was pretty sure that I didn't want to have any more children, I made the choice to have my tubes tied. I read all the information. I asked all the right questions and I made the appointment. I told RayRay the date we scheduled for a month in advance and he quickly let me know that that was great but that he wouldn't be able to take off work to come with me. I kind of expect this response as he worked on both of the days that our children were born. Still, I was scared and I wanted someone there with me. Okay. So I'm going into elective surgery. I can do this. I've never been in the hospital for any reason other than to have my children, but that's okay, too. I can do this. It would be my first surgery but it was okay. I was strong enough to do this. I was brave enough to do this. I had to do this. I would do this. Alone. The day of the surgery, I drive myself down to the hospital. I admit myself. I read all the pamphlets, again, that tell me that, among all the things that could go wrong, there was also the slightest chance that I could die. (Great. Wonderful. Excellent.) I lay on that hospital bed for an hour awaiting my turn under the knife, wishing I had someone by my side. Yeah, sure, I comforted myself with the knowledge that this happens everyday- women have their tubes tied everyday and if they could get through it, I certainly could. But, still, I was scared. I entertained a lot of notions on that bed as they were putting me under. One of my last thoughts as I was counting backwards was about how pitiful it would have been to die on a surgery table without anyone knowing that I was even in the hospital (as I'm sure RayRay had completely forgotten about it by that day and I hadn't told my family.) Well, I came out of surgery fine. I woke with a nurse asking me who was going to be driving me home? Through the pain and grogginess, I told her that I didn't have anyone with me. The look on her face cut deeper than the scapal as she told me that I wouldn't be able to drive and that I would need to have someone drive me home. I had put my children in daycare to have this surgery so staying in the hospital was not an option so I called a cab, picked up the children and went home. (No, this was not the smartest thing I've ever done.) I tell you that to say this: the hardest obstacles I've had to overcome in life, I've had to overcome them alone. And I suppose that that's true for most people, but right now, I find myself facing another scary endeavor and my basic instinct is to push people aside and do it on my own rather than to ask for help and be rejected, again. But here's the thing that I didn't realize in the past: I wasn't asking for help from the right people. I was aking for help from people that I knew I couldn't count on. My pride kept me from calling my sisters, who would have been at that bedside comforting me because I just didn't want to have to explain why my husband wouldn't come with me. And right now, I do have people who will support me as I get ready to do this next scary thing. They are there. They are reliable. They do love me. It just takes dropping some of my pride and asking. That's all it takes to keep from having to do this alone. Again. Still, it's so hard. 7:52 a.m. - 2003-05-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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