winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary

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Oh For Chrissake.

Oh For Chrissake

Oh God, there you are, my sweet, sweet Diaryland. My hiding place. My dearest, most loyal friend. You're up and running again. Finally. Thank heavens. I've needed a place to just scream my head off and to be forgiven.

First of all, I�m moody today. Moody, moody, moody. And I can�t really imagine why. I mean because last night, unlike the three nights before, I slept really, really well. Okay, that is, of course, unless you count the two dreams I had that involved my rushing around and trying to get Christian to the airport and, eventually, missing his plane. But really, other than that, I slept like a baby.

Oh and then at 7:00 am, 7:10 am and 7:35 am I had three different workers call me (at home) wondering if I had them scheduled to work this morning- each of them baffled that I didn�t have a work list in front of me while I was blow drying my hair and brushing my teeth.

But mostly, I�ve spent all morning being saved from hellfire and damnation. (For Chissake's- give me a break.) I, of course, offer my kindest, �I appreciate how much you seem to care about a complete stranger� thing and then do what I can to not make them think that I am calling them a complete idiot for believing in a God that I just don't have faith in, anymore. But it never seems to stop there.

Here are just a couple of the comments that peaked my frustration:

1.(After telling them that I had been a christian for most of my life but finally came to a point where I wasn't afraid to question those beliefs.) "Well, then you never believed in God, at all. You can't really believe in God one day and then just NOT believe in him the next." That's an interesteding statement because the same could be said of Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny. Those of us who were lead (by people that we looked up to and respected) to believe in those things REALLY believed in those things. I, for one, was really pissed when I found out my parents were lying to me about Santa Clause. But, I can garauntee that I wasn't the only kid out there who derived some sense of security and warmth in believing that he existed, in the first place. And, I can also garauntee that I wasn't the only kid out there that found out the truth behind those 'workers of the night'.

2. "God said (this, that or the other) so that you would believe in him and have faith in his existence." I'm not sure how silly it seems to them, but from my stand point it's like hearing, "The Toothfairy says that if you believe in her, she'll bring you quarters in exchange for your discarded teeth. And you should believe in the toothfairy because she said that."

Look, I don't mind that you are trying to save me. I was there once, too- on my own crusade for Christ. I don't begrudge anyone their crusades. Really, I don't. I learned a lot from mine. But, I also know how frightening it is for some people to accept that what I learned doesn't support their beliefs. I see that look in their eye. I recognize it as a past reflection of the person I was: afraid to question.

I also know that by writing this I invite people to feel defensive and to want to bring me back from the dark side. I don't mind that, either. I don't even mind you telling me why you believe in God. Hell, I don't even mind sharing with you why I once believed so strongly that it often hurt. But, if you really want to win me on the God issue, you are going to have to give me something more than "Well, God (or the Bible) says so" or "It just takes faith."

12:59 p.m. - 2003-04-28

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