winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Perspectives PerspectivesI spent an entire day with my sisters, which I've avoided lately. And I loved it. We had so much fun. I let myself enjoy their company. I took them (and their comments) for what they were. My sisters. And I just had a wonderful day. I got the usual shit from Raymond about how I seem to love everyone else more than him. (Wah. Wah. Wah.) I know. But, thems the breaks. You snooze you lose. He had my love in his hands for the taking for an entire decade. When did he want to take it? ...When there was nothing left, that's when. On the other hand, if I were him, I'd find me more attractive, now, too. I'm far more happy. I'm in far greater control of my life. I care more about myself than I ever have and it shows in both my personality and my appearance. I think I can understand why he'd want to be a part of that. More so, I can understand his fear of being alone and and his need to find someone else to take that loneliness away. I understand it. I just can't fix it. And I can't make him understand why, because he's at this point where he can only hear what he wants. He's waiting for me to tell him what he's been waiting to hear and when he doesn't hear it, it frustrates him. I finally understand why it feels like I'm talking to a wall when I try to explain things to him. I finally understand why any further attempts will be in vain. I understand why it's best for both him and I if I play the part of the meanie and just let his heart break so that he can hate me. There can't be any 'friends' or parental partners, right now. There can't be any, let's try to be grown-ups and look at the situation for what it is, for what it really is, and just walk away before we waste any more of our lives lying to ourselves and one another. I'm not good at being cruel, despite what you may read on this site. I'm a nurturer. It's my nature. But, what I'm not any more is a victim and what I won't be, anymore, is co-dependant. I'm in a healthy relationship, now, that brings me joy. I'm in a relationship with a beautiful boy that I adore and respect and who respects me back. I'm in a relationship that is honest and communicative and fulfilling, and damn it, I deserve that. I've earned it. I've earned the chance to prove that I can be a good partner to someone who is just as willing to be a partner to me. I have finally found something worth nurturing. And it's not in someone else. It's in me. It's what made it possible to laugh and joke and enjoy my sisters, today. It's incredibly freeing to be able to see people without the blinders on. It feels good to own my own life. 1:46 a.m. - 2003-03-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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