winkgirl4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He that lives upon hope will die fasting. "Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out."--Vaclav Havel I realize how abrupt the transition has been from being head over heals in love to, now, being completely unable to even speak of it. I consider writing about it probably four or five times every day. Okay, okay, I think about it four or five times a day on the days when I'm not so busy that I completely forget what my own name is- but the point is, I want to. I want get it out there rather than carrying it around all the time. The thing is, I can't really seem to wrap my mind around all of it, yet. I try to organize it so that people might understand what I'm feeling but the most I can get out are little excerpts of the over all feeling. Mini emotions. My sisters have stopped calling and have stopped trying to "pull me out of my funk". My nana called tonight to tell me that she was thinking about me and that no one really seems to know what's going on with me these days and that maybe I should spend more time with my sisters as that might make me feel better. Heh. You know, I'm not really sure what to call what I'm feeling. I don't know what to say about what's been going on with me without betraying someone else's feelings. I don't know how to put it down on paper (or the screen, rather) without it just sounding completely pathetic and like a plea for sympathy. When it's not that, at all. The term "resignation" keeps coming to mind. "Lonely" is sometimes the name I give to what I'm feeling but, again, I'm not sure that that's the sum of it, either. I feel out of touch- not myself. My bed feels more empty that it's felt in a really, really long time because there's no longer even the hope of it being filled, now. You know what I think it is? I think it's that I don't have any hope, right now. I think that my hope has been damaged and it's left me without the least bit of desire or determination. I guess that everything seemed possible if I could just hope for it and now I don't have that. I hoped recklessly and now I'm paying for it. See, I told you that it would sound pathetic. Damn it. We'll just try again tomorrow. Night everyone. Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.--Jean Kerr 8:51 p.m. - 2003-07-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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