winkgirl4's Diaryland
Diary
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On Trudging...
On Trudging...So, I kinda had this plan. I�d been investing in my future. Planning my move. Making my way. I knew that there were going to be obstacles and some of those obstacles were going to kick my ass. Still, I�m not weak, I can take an ass-kicking and still pick myself up and trudge along. I�m strong. I�m tough. Hell, I�m me. So, when my car breaks down and it�s sent to auto-purgatory, I take it in stride. Oh sure I�m pissy about the fact that this guy doesn�t think that I speak �Penis� well enough and, therefore, don�t understand what�s actually wrong with my car. And I complain EVERY SINGLE DAY about the waste of oxygen this loser mechanic is. And I want to scream every time I am told about the newest �No-Penis Surcharge� or �Breast Assessment Fee� (Thank you, Hon, that one�s for you). And, deep down, I�m convinced that this guy is really putting me off because he doesn�t actually have my car anymore because he�s sold it for parts, a piece at a time. Still, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. See? I trudge. That�s me. I�m a trudger. When the cost for this and the price of that starts draining my finances and the cushion I once had is being tapped into rather than fluffed, I start getting edgy. But hell, I�ll make the money back and if I don�t, I can still get out there on what I have. It will be tight but I won�t be living on the street. I won�t be destitute. Things could certainly be better but they could be a hell of a lot worse, too. (Trudge along. Trudge along.) I�m edgy and frustrated and the unwavering ability to communicate that Christian and I share starts wavering. And I find myself with no one to talk to about how overwhelmed I feel because, well 1) Christian hears my frustration and thinks, �You�re scared. You aren�t going to come. You�re sabotaging this move. You�re going to run. This is going to end bad for me.� 2) My family and friends who don�t want me to move away from them think, �Ah, she�s having doubts. That must mean that she doesn�t really want to go. We knew she didn�t want to move to California. This could be good for us.� And 3) It�s been so hard to put it all down in this journal because it�s perceived as just another melodramatic rant- and, honestly, that�s not good for anyone. So I swallow as much of the emotion as I can and I trudge along, anyway. Here�s the hard part: I know I�m going to have to leave my daughter behind- for a time. But, I think, �I�m going to fight for her. I�ll get full custody of her and I�ll bring her to California with me. Great. Wonderful . So I talk to a lawyer friend of mine who did a little consulting on my divorce and he makes this statement, �Are you sure you want to make this move?� Huh? What? Of course I am. Will people stop asking me that? Why? �Well, I�m just saying, if you are wanting your daughter you might try getting custody of her before you go because it�s going to be hard, if not next to impossible, to get her out there after you leave.� �But, no. Wait. I�m going to go to L.A.. I�m going to get this great job, making lots of money. I�m going to live with my boyfriend. I�ll have the extra parental support I need. My children will have access to a variety of cultures that are going to make them stronger, more well-rounded leaders. They are going to have access to the arts and the ocean and an open-mindedness and I want my children to have that. It�s going to make them happy. We�re going to be happy. It will be great. I�m a trudger. This will work.� �Well, that does sound nice but what�s going to happen is that you are just going to have to come back here to fight for her. You know, they aren�t going to take her out of her school and away from her comfort zone just so that your ex husband can go to another state and fight to maintain custody of her. And, whether you like it or not, he�s got the upper hand because he�s already got custody. Oh, I�ll support you. I�ll handle it if you want me to and we might even win but you aren�t likely to win by going to California.� (But he�s wrong. He�s a friend. He doesn�t think I should go either and this is coming from that not from reality. I�ll just get another opinion.) So I call a client with whom I have done business and we talk and I tell him what lawyer number one said and he says, � Well, I hate to tell you this, but he�s right. Your best bet is to fight here. I can handle the case if you want but you have a better chance if you are in the same state. And, oh by the way, did you even consider what how the judge is going to react to your taking her, not only away from her father, but EVERYTHING that she knows and loves?� (Grrr. No. But you don�t understand.) So, I�m casually talking about the situation with another friend who works for a local attorney and she talks to that boss for me and calls back to confirm the bad news. Now all those things that are casually frustrating me are compounding. And I�m trying to decide how I�m going to do it. But, I�m still going ahead. And I�m crying myself to sleep at night. And I�m weary. And I have no energy. And my heart is breaking and every time I look at my daughter I imagine having to say goodbye to her. It�s painful and horrible and wretched and I�m mad at everyone who doesn�t understand how it feels. And I start wondering what I�m going to have to turn off inside of myself to keep this from killing me. And then I realized. We realized. Christian asked and I couldn�t make it not so. I couldn�t leave my baby. I wouldn�t like who I was if I could. And I don�t like what it does to my prospective future. I don�t like how far away the ocean feels, all of a sudden. I don�t like how my future looked so bright and shiny just a couple of months ago and now it�s hard to see passed the hay fields, again. On the other hand I don�t like how it feels to have my daemon pulled from my chest- testing that invisible umbilical cord. Christian can�t (and won�t) stay in a long distance relationship and I can�t leave my daughter. I�m trying to deal with how that makes Christian feel and where it leaves him but, right now, we are trying to determine what the alternatives are and where we can go from here. And there are, my friends, alternatives. I can�t promise how well, or even if those alternatives will work but we are going to see. This thing, I know is going to mean making some sacrifices but as much as I thought I could, my daughter just can�t be one of them, no matter how good at trudging I am.
2:27 p.m. - 2003-06-20
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